Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Once "when" became "if"


My husband and I were the couple that so naively thought that we would get pregnant as soon as the condoms went out the window. We would sit in bed at night and think about all the things we would do “when” we got pregnant. When I got pregnant…we wouldn’t be able to go to Costa Rica as often or when I got pregnant we were going to use the Pottery Barn gift cards at Pottery Barn Kids instead of on drapes. Eventually “when” turned into “if”, we have visited Costa Rica three times since then and we have drapes on our living room windows.  Going from “when” to “if” was incredibly painful. Hope slowly slipped away as each month and year passed us by. 

I know IVF doesn’t work for everyone, even after several tries, and we are very lucky; especially since we have no frozen embryos to fall back on. Now that I am pregnant and there is no more “when” or “if” I can’t say that I am fully healed from that pain. Truthfully I don’t think I ever will be. 

That pain is keeping me from connecting with this pregnancy a hundred percent. That is not something I like to admit but I feel the need to be honest with myself.  I know I am pregnant but I still can’t conceive that there is a baby, our son, at the end of this. Is that wrong?  I try and do everything the books tell me to do, I rub my belly, I sing and read to the baby but I am still waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under us. The nursery furniture is finally in our guest room, which I have to stop calling it that it is now our son’s bedroom, I have dreamed so many times of a nursery but I can’t help but think to myself “I hope there’s a return policy”. I hate infertility for making this less enjoyable than it is supposed to be.

8 lovely notes from friends:

Christen February 2, 2011 at 10:59 AM  

I had a miscarriage before having my second child, and I thought the same thoughts throughout her pregnancy. But when that baby is born and you lay eyes on his beautiful face for the first time you will instantly fall head over heels in love! Staying one step away is our way of coping with the pain we have experienced. I say this is a normal thing you are going through...

kayee February 2, 2011 at 11:20 AM  

I know exactly what you mean. That was one of the main reasons I wanted to find out the sex. I needed to keep finding ways I could connect with this child in me. I feel terrible for feeling this way, considering I know there are many other women out there who would just give anything to be in my position, so I rarely mention these things – especially online. But I know how you feel. As much as I’m trying to play happy go lucky pregnant lady, I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’ve had losses before – although all early on – so I know what the feeling is to be sooo excited and have it all taken away. I agree that IF, and for me m/cs, have def robbed us of the simple joys of pregnancy. But to get thru this we have to have faith that we are so far along, we feel our babies and know that they are thriving. Soon enough all that doubt we feel will be out the window when we are holding our little ones.

Amanda February 2, 2011 at 1:15 PM  

I know exactly how you feel because I felt the same way when I was pregnant with our daughter. We had been trying to get pregnant for almost 3 years so when our Frozen Embryo Transfer worked, I was always just waiting for something to go wrong. I always felt that something was going to happen to my precious miracle. I was scared my entire pregnancy. Now, my daughter is almost 2 and we are going through another FET (transfer is Sunday), and I am hoping that it won't be the same way with this pregnancy... it probably will be though. I still struggle with our almost three years of trying and our failed IVF cycle when I think back.

When you hold your son in your arms, you will forget the pain (at least for a while) - until you want to start trying for a second baby.

Jenni February 2, 2011 at 2:13 PM  

You know what Erin, even if you did this "normally" you might still feel the same way you do now, and that's perfectly normal. I was just talking with my friend Lauren yesterday (who just had her second) about how you really have absolutely no idea what to expect when that baby is born...you can read every book and talk to a million people, but absolutely NOTHING will prepare you for how much your life is truly about to change and how much you're going to love that little person. You can have all the expectations you want to, but it will still be completely different than what you're expecting. Trust me when I tell you that when that sweet little guy is in your arms, you will be so overwhelmed by love that your whole body will just melt.

T February 2, 2011 at 4:38 PM  

I have been struggling with these thoughts the entire pregnancy. I am sure you thought just like I did this terrible feeling would go away once we got and stayed pregnant. Now I have come to realize it never will.

There are scars that will never go away. I tried to fight it, but I am over it now. I try and embrace those scars. I can 100% say I cherish every day with my baby. Though I would love to say that I would have been the same had this been 5 years ago before I knew better... but I am not so sure. I appreciate those uncomfortable moments and gross symptoms. Would I wish our journey on anyone...no. But I cannot change it and it has made me a better person and I think a better mother.

Cherish these days sweetheart! You deserve them! I cannot wait until that baby boy is in your arms.

Nicole February 2, 2011 at 8:01 PM  

Like all the PP said...the thoughts are somewhat normal. Unfortunately, we experienced grief month after month after month and just like someone dying...it just doesn't go away. I was worried my whole pregnancy right until I delivered my little man. Sure there were days that were more optimistic than others but I too always waited for the "other shoe." We decorated his nursery...and I always kept the door shut. I bought tons of things...but left the tags on. I was so happy to be pregnant and I loved him so much but I struggled with letting go of the fear. Now that he is here, I love my little man SO SO much and I am so very thankful to have him. but it doesn't make the past go away...it just gets better with time and every little giggle and smile and that melt your heart face ;-) Can't wait for you to meet you son!

Bobbi February 2, 2011 at 10:02 PM  

I couldn't agree more with this post!!!! I have the same exact feelings. My pregnancy with my daughter 4 - 5 years ago was so exciting. I had no worries. Everything seemed so effortless and wonderful. I feel like infertility has robbed me of all the joys of pregnancy. Although I'm not yet pregnant, I feel like when (not IF!!!) I am, this second pregnancy will not be as exciting, but much more worrisome. You've made it through so many hurdles in the beginning...the first trimester is the scariest. So, try your hardest to enjoy feeling your son grow inside of you. It's such a magical experience.

Tara February 17, 2011 at 10:11 AM  

this post hits so hard to home.

after unexplained IF & 2 miscarriages
I got pregnant & now have a 3 month old babygirl, yet IF still effects me EVERYDAY.
& i think it will always be apart of us.

I thought it was go away the minute i had her, & tho it made it so worth, I still hurt.

new follower here!
taranbrandon.blogspot.com - stop on by! :)

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