Once "when" became "if"

My husband and I were the couple that so naively thought that we would get pregnant as soon as the condoms went out the window. We would sit in bed at night and think about all the things we would do “when” we got pregnant. When I got pregnant…we wouldn’t be able to go to Costa Rica as often or when I got pregnant we were going to use the Pottery Barn gift cards at Pottery Barn Kids instead of on drapes. Eventually “when” turned into “if”, we have visited Costa Rica three times since then and we have drapes on our living room windows.  Going from “when” to “if” was incredibly painful. Hope slowly slipped away as each month and year passed us by. 

I know IVF doesn’t work for everyone, even after several tries, and we are very lucky; especially since we have no frozen embryos to fall back on. Now that I am pregnant and there is no more “when” or “if” I can’t say that I am fully healed from that pain. Truthfully I don’t think I ever will be. 

That pain is keeping me from connecting with this pregnancy a hundred percent. That is not something I like to admit but I feel the need to be honest with myself.  I know I am pregnant but I still can’t conceive that there is a baby, our son, at the end of this. Is that wrong?  I try and do everything the books tell me to do, I rub my belly, I sing and read to the baby but I am still waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under us. The nursery furniture is finally in our guest room, which I have to stop calling it that it is now our son’s bedroom, I have dreamed so many times of a nursery but I can’t help but think to myself “I hope there’s a return policy”. I hate infertility for making this less enjoyable than it is supposed to be.