Thursday, December 31, 2009

Another friend . . .

pregnant. *sigh* She told me last night when she got back into town and this is how she told me.

"Well I got to give my parents the coolest Christmas present, they are going to be grandparents."

I pretended to be happy for her and then I got into my car and let go. That was supposed to be me for the last 2 Christmas'. What sucks is when she started trying she came to me for advice on how to get pregnant. Like I'm the expert. right. Why does my advice work for her but not for me? Why? I am trying to be happy for them, they have been trying for 9 months and I remember what that was like for me at 9 months but that feels so long ago. How do you be happy for someone who is getting your dream?

I am tired of being the angry bitter infertile. . .

I am sick of 2009 and welcome midnight. . .

What sucks is she told me this last night and I have to go to her house tonight for a New Year's Eve party. How will I get through the night?


Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Christmas at Dad's

I went to my Dad's house tonight to do our Christmas and I got . . . the Pioneer Woman cook book! I am super excited, I have wanted this for months and he got it for me. I can't wait to start cooking. I had to share.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a goodnight.


Friday, December 18, 2009

worst Christmas ever . . .

and it hasn't even started yet. Where to start?

I haven't written about this till now but now I think it is time to get it out since I am sitting here crying my eyes out.

About 7 months ago I found out through my sister that my Mom was leaving my Dad. After 30 years of marriage she had had enough. The financial strain they were under was too much and she had been depressed for a year and it wasn't getting any better. I got a call from my sister asking "What's up? I just got a call from Dad wanting to know if Mom could rent my townhouse." I stood there frozen not able to comprehend what she just said to me. The longest, most stable relationship I had ever known isn't so stable anymore. The air had just been knocked out of me. But they raised two kids together and put them through college, one was married, the other moved away, it was supposed to be smooth sailing from here. Isn't that how it worked?

I immediately got in the car and drove to my parent's house (or my Dad's house as it is now referred to). My mom was there alone . . .

"Hey honey, is something wrong?"

"Well, I just got off the phone with Amanda of course something is wrong."

"oh, right" her only response. . .

She then told me how she has been depressed because of finances and she isn't happy. I have a hard time dealing with this because in my book you don't leave someone over money. Jimmy didn't leave me when I had no job but wanted to find the perfect design job and he had to support me or when he wanted to cut his hours and pay so that he could fish and try to making a living off of his dream. When I left the house I couldn't shake the feeling that this didn't look good, it didn't look good at all.

Fast forward 6 months . . .it is September and my parents are sitting us down to tell us that things are not getting better, my Mom wants a divorce. It was over just like that. Everything I knew about there relationship was a lie. My mom told me that it was only good when my sister and I were around, when it was just the two of them she was miserable. I couldn't believe what I was hearing, my cheeks turned hot,  I couldn't breathe, my stomach felt sick. I had nothing to sat to change her mind.

I have always wore this badge of honor that I am a twenty something whose families foundation hadn't been shattered by divorce. All of that was changing in the blink of an eye. There was nothing we could do to stop it. Now, I was aware that love didn't last forever - it couldn't possibly. What did that mean for my marriage? Where would our lives lead? These are questions I have had to deal with for the last few months, on top of it all we were (are) trying so desperately to have a family of our own. That fairy-tale isn't coming true either.

Worst Christmas ever . . .we are struggling like hell to conceive a child and went a whole year, again, without success. Our dream of having a baby will never come true, so it feels like. I have a scheduling nightmare ahead of me for next week trying to make it so that my parents don't spend Christmas together. So, my husband and I have to drive around all over town to see my Mom, my Dad and his parents in one day. Whew! To top it off my Dad is having a Christmas party where all of our friends and family are invited, except my Mom. I understand why, because when you get our group together and alcohol someone will say something and shit will hit the fan, but it isn't supposed to be like this. I am not supposed to be planning 3 holiday get togethers or feeling bad because my Mom won't be in her home at a Christmas party for all of our friends and family. I love Christmas but this just doesn't feel very much like Christmas.

My heart breaks because I can't give my husband what he so desperately desires, because my parents hearts are breaking, I miss my sister, and Santa isn't real. I am going to go take a bubble bath with a glass of wine right now and unwind and try to remember what Christmas is all about . . .presents.


Sunday, December 13, 2009

She came . . .

early . . .

No Christmas wish coming true this year . . .

a whole year gone . . .

Dear God, let 2010 make our dream come true . . .


Friday, December 11, 2009

hack, hack . . .

oh boy, I am really sick. What started out at as a little sore throat with no other symptoms is a full blown cold now. Great. Just what I needed at Christmas. Last night I was freezing cold I had to go to bed with my terry cloth robe on just to stay warm. My poor husband asked if I would mind if he slept in the guest room so he didn't get sick. I hope he doesn't get sick because he is a baby when he is sick. Here are my symptoms:

runny nose, excuse me while I blow it again
sore throat (I know from experience this is from my sinus' draining)
my teeth hurt, hmmm?
my head is cloudy, when isn't it?
my neck is sore

Do you think this is just a cold or something more? I really, really don't want to go to the doctor, I can't afford it right now. I had to switch my insurance to an HSA which means I will have to pay for the full doctor's visit not just a copay. Ugh, why me?


Tuesday, December 8, 2009


My throat hurts today from my sinus' drainging into it. I don't have a runny nose or any other sinus infection symptoms. I am wondering if this is a "sign" or most likely it is the weather. Only time will tell . . .


Monday, December 7, 2009

A year in the life of an infertile woman

A Year in the Life of an Infertile Woman:

New Years -- This is where we make all those
resolutions, or in the case of an infertile, their hopes and dreams and
goals for the year ahead. We tell ourselves that this is going to be
our year! We are not going to face another new Year's without a child.
We are going to do whatever it takes to reach our dreams this year. And
we kiss, still crushed from the year prior, but with a renewed hope for
the year to come. This is going to be our year -- it has to be.

Valentines Day -- Finally, a holiday that doesn't
remind us of children! It's all about love. Only, we are pumped up on
drugs, or so exhausted from treatments, that it's hard to enjoy. Not to
mention, in the back of our minds, we know all those other couples,
sitting around us, eating their dinner, have children they get to go
home to. Valentine's cards to help them write out. Little hearts and
chocolates to scatter around the house in anticipation of little
excited faces.

March Break -- On the heels of Valentines Day comes
March break. Children abound, as families pack up to enjoy a fun week
together somewhere. But not you. No, you plough forward, head down,
trying not to notice.

Easter -- Next comes Easter. The stores are filled
with reminders of children. Everywhere you look is a reminder of what
you are missing. Easter bunnies, Easter baskets, Easter egg hunts.
Pretty spring children's dresses. Excited little faces and happy
families are everywhere. You long to be part of an easter egg hunt of
your own, but instead, you close your eyes and hope you just make it

Mothers Day -- As if Easter wasn't bad enough,
Mother's Day is close behind. A slap in the face to infertiles
everywhere. You are not a mother and you wonder if you ever will be.
You do not get breakfast in bed, a hand drawn card, a hug from that
sweet little child telling you they love you. It's a painful reminder
of what you will never have, and what everyone around you gets so
easily. It's almost too much to bear, as you watch others enjoy what
you long for so badly.

Fathers Day -- Of course Father's Day is right behind.
Happy children and their dads, out to brunch, playing golf, fishing,
enjoying the day together. You think of your husband and what he is
missing. You can't help picturing him as a father, knowing how good he
would be. You imagine your own children taking his hand and hopping up
on his lap, smiling up at him. Their dad. Their hero. And you can't
help from thinking how robbed he is, when you see the pain on his face.

Summer Holidays -- One of the best times of year for
family fun. Kids are out of school. Everywhere you look are happy
families picnicking, going to the park, the beach. And you long to be
one of them. The carefree days of summer are everywhere. Long weekends
and camping trips. Innocent times and bonding and memories being
created that will last a life time. Yet, you still cannot join in the

Weddings -- Of course, what would the summer be
without weddings. You watch, as other couples get married, knowing that
soon, their dreams will come true, and they will be blessed with
families before you. You think back to your wedding, how excited and
hopeful you were for the future together. All the family plans you had,
the big house, the fun family trips. And it's painful to watch it come
true for everyone else but you.

Baby showers -- Invites to baby showers come fast and
furious. You can't even bear to open the envelope. You shop for other
peoples' children, holding back the lump in your throat, trying not to
breathe, and maybe you will get through it.

Birthdays -- Next comes your birthday. But you have
nothing to celebrate. It's just a painful reminder that you are another
year older, another year has passed without a child. Your chances are
decreasing every single day. And you can't bear to blow out your
candle, yet again, and make the only wish you have been wishing.
Because it still hasn't come true.

Anniversaries -- Your wedding anniversary is upon you,
and it's time to celebrate your love. The one thing that keeps you
going through all the pain. But unfortunately, it's also an anniversary
where you both will mourn another year passing without a child. The
family you haven't created.

Back to School -- Back to school has become a season
these days. You look around at all the stores, all the little
knapsacks, and school supplies. Your nieces and nephews are getting
older. Friends children are growing up before your eyes. Life is moving
forward without you. You can't help but feel like it's completely
passing you by.

Halloween -- As the autumn leaves fall, families are
huddled up carving pumpkins together, making candy apples, playing in
the falling leaves. And Halloween rolls around quickly. Parents dress
up little angels, princesses, and monsters in the cutest outfits you
have ever seen. You dread the day as it grows darker, knowing that
soon, happy little children will be knocking on your door, saying trick
or treat. And you will barely be able to keep yourself from crying. You
think about everything you are missing. You long to be taking your own
children out from house to house. And you end the night, a puddle on
the floor, sobbing your eyes out, wishing you could hide away forever.

Thanksgiving -- The season of family is officially
upon you. Happy families get together to share turkey and rejoice in
all that they have to be thankful for. Just the thought of another
holiday where you still don't have your own family to share it with,
tortures you beyond belief. You have a hard time thinking of anything
to be thankful for, let alone, sharing the holiday with family and
friends who have everything you want. Everyone has a family except for
you, and the pain cuts so deep you don't think you will survive it.

Christmas -- The holiday season is upon you in no
time. The pinnacle of holidays is finally here. Christmas is the
motherload, the holiday of all holidays. The one you have been dreading
all year. For it is the season of children and dreams and families and
miracles. For everyone but you. Little stocking hanging from the
fireplace, ornaments on the tree, hopes of Santa, snowmen on front
lawns, Christmas parades, hot chocolate, cold little toes and noses and
happy laughter fills the air. The stores bellow out Christmas music.
Commercials celebrate families and children. Movies are filled with the
magic of family. Christmas lights and Santa sleighs, and nativity
scenes are everywhere. Christmas cards arrive in the mail, all those
happy smiling family pictures and updates from friends and families.
The magic of the season is everywhere, all around you, suffocating you,
choking you to death. The pain has never been so great, so real, and so
deep. You envy everyone you see. You can barely venture out your front
door. It is the happiest season of all, a season you once loved, a
season you wonder if you will ever love again. A season that now pulls
you under with such grief that you are sure you will die. But you don't
die. You survive. As you brace yourself for the upcoming New Year and
the whole new calendar that comes with it.

source - unknown


Friday, December 4, 2009

News from the PD...sob story

DH had his final appointment with the Urologist (PD) this morning. It didn't go as well as planned and got the news I have been dreading. All his bloodwork came back normal. Why can't we just get some answers instead of "we don't know why you can't get pregnant or have low sperm"? He said we are done with the Urologist and it is time to move on to an RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist), they will need to do a testicle biopsy on him to determine why his count is so low. At the same time they recommend doing an IUI (intrauterine insemination) because they will get all of his best swimmers out at the time of the biopsy, let's not waste those. I think I need some wine and chocolate right now.

We won't be going until January since this cycle is half over already. I pray that like so many women we won't need to do any of this because I am actually pregnant and don't know it yet. Ha yeah right. I am feeling a little blue today. I can't believe that a whole nother year has past without a hint of conception. How did I ever think "first cycle I will be pregnant because I know my body so well"? What a load of crap. How could I be so naive. April will be our 2 year mark of trying to conceive, I really don't know if my heart can take reaching that milestone. This past year has really kicked the shit out of me and Jimmy. I hope that 2010 is our lucky year and we don't have to go another 365 days without being pregnant.


Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Here's my new cousin, Daegan

I told you I would post a picture. Of course I think she is the most beautiful baby in the world. :)


Babies and more babies

Wow, I am back from my 9 day holiday with family, family and more family. Sorry I haven't had the chance to blog while I was gone. Atleast while I was away from my husband I was only waiting to O and we haven't missed the eggie yet. I should O any day now. So I am praying for a Christmas BFP. While I was away my uterus was very happy because I got to meet my new cousin, Daegan, last week. It was hard being around when they were having Mom and baby moments but I know my time will come. I did get to feed her and rock her to sleep, that is the most precious feeling, when they fall asleep in your arms holding onto your finger. I can't wait to do that with our children. When I get a free moment I will upload a picture of her, she is beautiful. She will be 10 weeks this week.

On another subject, do any of you have friends with babies and you told them repeatedly that you will babysit for them for free anytime? Well ALL of our friends have children, 2 years or younger, and I have offered to babysit all of them and not once has anyone taken us up on our offer. Well, last night I got the text to babysit for a friend of mine all day on Saturday, granted her son is 18 months old now but still. I am super excited and can't wait. She is going to leave me a car seat so we can go anywhere we want. Any good ideas on what to do to keep an 18 month old entertained for 8 hours? He is the cutest kid too.

More babies...congratulations to Bonnie and her husband for welcoming their new son, Liam, into the world early this morning. They deserve to be parents more than anyone I know and "Juno" was their blessing. Congratulations again!


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