38 weeks!

OMG I'm having a baby!

A baby.

A tiny human being.

That I am responsible for. 

For-evah!

In two weeks (plus or minus) he will be here and I can't freakin' believe it. It's really starting to hit me that I am having a baby. I know that I am pregnant and at the end it produces a baby but I think it finally hit me that there is actually going to be a living, breathing, totally dependent baby. We have been in this countdown/waiting state for over 3 years now of "when we have a baby". Being pregnant has just been more dreaming, imagining, and planning on a baby. I don't know if this makes sense to anyone else but to me, I guess, I never really sat and thought about the fact that he is no longer a dream or a figment of my imagination. He's real and he is almost here. We are getting so stinkin' excited to meet him, I don't care how hard labor is going to be or how long. I know that with each pressure wave I am one step closer to meeting my son and that puts a smile on my face. Finally!

Last night The Captain was tyring so hard to convince him how nice it is outside of the womb and that we want to play with him and meet him. I think he had his hands over his ears cause it sure didn't make a difference. The Captain has really started to get more comfortable taking to my belly and playing with him, it's too bad it's near the end.

I'm having a baby. Oh my Gawd!

Best Moment of the week: Floating in the pool all day on Monday, it felt so good.

Epiphany of the week: I need to take a tour of the hospital or at least find out what door we have to go in.

Entertaining question/comment of the week: My cousin's prediction date is June 4 so she calls and leaves me a voice mail. "Tonight you will go for a long walk and have sex. Tomorrow morning you are to have sex. Tomorrow night repeat long walk and again have sex. You will repeat this until June 3rd cause you have 3 days to get that baby out of you so my prediction can be right!"

Obsessions: What does he look like? When am I going to get to meet him?

What I am most looking forward to this week: Friday's appointment. 

What I miss the most: Nothing really.

Symptoms: I can't wait for the swelling to go away. I have about reached my patience level with these cankles!

Milestones: Baby's now the size of a watermelon!
The last bits of vernix caseosa (the white goo keeping baby's skin moist) and lanugo (downy hair) are slowly shedding into your amniotic fluid. Baby's head is about the same circumference as his abdomen, and his head could be covered in an inch or so of hair. *Courtesy of TheBump.com

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Once "when" became "if"

My husband and I were the couple that so naively thought that we would get pregnant as soon as the condoms went out the window. We would sit in bed at night and think about all the things we would do “when” we got pregnant. When I got pregnant…we wouldn’t be able to go to Costa Rica as often or when I got pregnant we were going to use the Pottery Barn gift cards at Pottery Barn Kids instead of on drapes. Eventually “when” turned into “if”, we have visited Costa Rica three times since then and we have drapes on our living room windows.  Going from “when” to “if” was incredibly painful. Hope slowly slipped away as each month and year passed us by. 

I know IVF doesn’t work for everyone, even after several tries, and we are very lucky; especially since we have no frozen embryos to fall back on. Now that I am pregnant and there is no more “when” or “if” I can’t say that I am fully healed from that pain. Truthfully I don’t think I ever will be. 

That pain is keeping me from connecting with this pregnancy a hundred percent. That is not something I like to admit but I feel the need to be honest with myself.  I know I am pregnant but I still can’t conceive that there is a baby, our son, at the end of this. Is that wrong?  I try and do everything the books tell me to do, I rub my belly, I sing and read to the baby but I am still waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under us. The nursery furniture is finally in our guest room, which I have to stop calling it that it is now our son’s bedroom, I have dreamed so many times of a nursery but I can’t help but think to myself “I hope there’s a return policy”. I hate infertility for making this less enjoyable than it is supposed to be.

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One day you will

It always bothered me or made me jealous when I would read an infertility blog and then they got pregnant. Some times I continued to follow their journey into parenthood other times I moved on. I hope I don't make any of you leave but if you do stop reading my posts I completely understand. I have been there, I have been in your shoes. This post is for you so I hope that you read it.

Dear those of you still on the journey to your baby,

We all have that song or that quote that get us through the really rough times of infertility. I did. It is "One Day You Will" by Lady Antebellum, I suggest you listen to it as soon as you are done reading this. Here are some of the lyrics:

You feel like you're falling backwards
Like you're slippin' through the cracks
Like no one would even notice
If you left this town and never came back
You walk outside and all you see is rain
You look inside and all you feel is pain
And you can't see it now

Chorus
But down the road the sun is shining
In every cloud there's a silver lining
Just keep holding on (just keep holding on)
And every heartache makes you stronger
But it won't be much longer
You'll find love, you'll find peace
And the you you're meant to be
I know right now that's not the way you feel
But one day you will

You wake up every morning and ask yourself
What am I doing here anyway
With the weight of all those disappointments
Whispering in your ear
You're just barely hanging by a thread
You wanna scream but you're down to your last breath
And you don't know it yet

Infertility is such a lonely and isolating place that nobody understands unless they have been there. I always felt like I was falling backwards and just moving through life one day at a time but not enjoying it anymore. Every time I listened to this song it inspired me to remember that failure is not fatal, I will get through this and one day I will find peace. I will never forget the struggle of infertility and the pain it caused everyday of my life for almost 3 years. One day I know all of you will find peace and will be the mothers you are meant to be. Keep believing that and inspiring each other to continue. As Winston Churchill said, "...it is the courage to continue that counts."

Love,

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IVF - Day 3 - My husband says I am becoming a druggie

Since I am becoming an expert at shooting myself up with drugs. Not heroin or crack but drugs none the less.

I thought I would give you a step-by-step pictorial on how I give myself the Lupron shots. For those of you who haven't started your cycle yet and are freaking out about the needles I hope it will ease your anxiety.You will quickly realize once you start your IVF cycle that 2 things will happen: 1.) you need a personal assistant, there are way too many things and appointments to remember daily 2.) you have become a human pin cushion.

These pictures were taken at 7:30 am with one hand and sometimes no hands; I apologize ahead of time if some are blurry. I have to administer the Lupron twice a day for the next 9 days or so. That is 2 needle pokes a day and once I get to the stimulation meds it will be 3 pokes a day and the needles only get bigger from here.

The cast of characters: 1 handy dandy sharps container, safety first!, 2 alcohol swipes, Lupron container and 1 insulin syringe

First I wipe off the top of the Lupron container with the alcohol swab to kill nasty germs that could infect me. 

Open the other alcohol swab and wipe off a spot on my belly. I do the left side in the morning and the right side in the evening. That way I get a 24 hour reprieve on each side. I never thought my abs (or lack there of) would make a blog debut without a baby inside.

Next I draw 5 units of air into the syringe to deposit into the Lupron container. It is important to put in the amount of air you will be taking out in liquid. It will make withdrawing the liquid easier. You can see the bottom edge of the black rubber is at the number 5.

Then turn the vial upside down to withdraw the liquid, air goes to the top and I get the medicine without air bubbles. They taught me to take out more and then push it back in until I reach the desired dose.

Pinch some skin to make inserting the needle easier and less painful...drum roll please

Ta-da! Easy as pie.

Lastly recap the syringe and deposit it into the sharps container and I am off for the day. I get to repeat it all again in 12 more hours. Fun times!

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1 injection down, 1,009,837 to go

I gave myself the first Lupron injection this morning and it was easy peasy. I am not going to lie and say my hand was steady as the needle approached my abdomen. There may have been a tremble but then I didn't even feel it and I felt like a fool. 

Next injection is at 7:30 tonight. Maybe just maybe I will let The Captain enjoy sticking me. I have to think about what I will get in return. muahaha ;)

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3 more days. . .

until the sticking begins!

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Who needs sex to have a baby?

When you have all this to get the job done. . .

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IVF #1: T-minus 12 days

I say IVF #1 because we are doing the multiple cycle plan but hopefully that is the only one. T-minus 12 days and counting until I start the Lupron! 

We had our ART (Assisted Reproductive Technology) class yesterday morning. We were there for 3 hours going over our calendar, medications and protocols. We got to practice mixing and giving each medication I will be taking; on a pillow not on me. They filled all the vials and cartridges with saline and we could do it as many times as we felt comfortable. The Captain really enjoyed stabbing the pillow with the 1 inch long Progesterone needle. Oh Lord, help me! I think he enjoyed it a little too much. But I think he missed his calling, he should have gone into medicine; I was very impressed at how careful he was to make sure all the air bubbles got out and that it was measured just perfectly in the syringe. This was just practice! I am very proud of him.

After the class I spoke with one of the coordinators about the Follistim I already have; although I have the right amount of drugs I only have 5 needles and I will need 10. I told her about it to see if I could add them to my order; she left the room and came back with a brown paper bag full of Follistim Pen needles for FREE.

All of my other meds will be arriving today! 

Our protocol - 

Name: Meldrum Protocol

Drugs: Lupron, Follistim, Menopur, Medrol, Doxicyclene (sp), HCG & Progesterone in oil

Egg Retrieval: September 21, 2010 *estimated date

Egg Transfer: September 26, 2010 *estimated 5 day transfer

If anyone else is taking Doxicyclene as their antibiotic Publix gives that prescription for FREE. Yes folks I said FREE. 

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A lot to do and no time for blogging

Ever feel that way? I do right now. There is so much going on I can’t think straight. There is so much I want to tell you about too. This will probably be a long post, I hope you’re ready. Here is the run down:

Beginning the IVF process; blood work, financial arrangements, applications. We both still need some outstanding blood work done, you know like if we have HIV or Hepatitis. I can save myself a couple hundred dollars if they would take my word for it, we don’t have either. The Captain has to do another dreaded Semen Analysis for the application. I need to do the financing application and meet with the in-laws; they are going to give us some money to help pay out of pocket expenses. Thankfully I have wonderful friends who have offered to donate some meds. I already receive a bunch of Follistim from an angel, Melissa. You don’t know how much that generosity means to me. Thank you!

I am planning a baby shower for my good friend who is 7 months pregnant. The shower is less than 3 weeks away. Not the most fun thing I want to do right now but she is a good friend of mine and has no family here, so I am being brave and stepping up to the plate. At least she wants a 4^th of July theme for the party instead of baby stuff; that would have been way too difficult for me to handle. I love hosting and throwing parties so I am having a blast planning. I have found a ton of chic red, white and blue things to use as decorations that are not all Abe Lincoln, American flag, and fire works (CHEESY) I will post pictures once I get some things made and of the room.

Working basically 3 jobs. I help my Dad with his property management, 2 nights a week at the restaurant, my full time Interior Design job. I love working at the restaurant, I get to see The Captain more and it’s an extra $200 a month into the baby account. I can’t give that up. My Dad pays me too, I think it’s just an excuse to give me money cause he feels sorry for us.

My parents are getting a divorce and playing tug of war with me. You know the baby shower I am throwing; well it is being held at my dad’s new condo building. They have a beautiful Club Room that is free to rent out. I couldn’t pass up a free venue, could I? Well when my mom got the invitation she flipped out on me.

“Why didn’t you tell me the shower was at your Dad’s place?

Well it is in his building but not in his condo.

“Well if he is going to be there then I am not going.”

Yes, he will be there M invited him, it is a co-ed shower. You should go for her, it’s their first baby. Can’t you put your feelings aside for a few hours? (I am)

“No, your father is pissing me off. I do not want to see him. I am looking out for me, you should have told me”.

Uh, please all she has been doing for the last year and a half is looking out for her. By the way what good would it have done if I did tell here where it was going to be held, she still would have decided not to go. I can’t win. They are constantly asking me if one or the other is going to be some where and I can’t take it anymore. You are 55 years old act like an adult!

Going out of town for 3 days next week for a friend’s wedding. The Captain is a groomsmen in his friends wedding next week. A week before the shower, I should be doing things for that. I will have no time except at night after work to finish decorations, shop for the menu, and start cooking for the shower.

Help me Rhonda. . .

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Discouraged, confused, bitter

That pretty much sums up how I am these days. I wish I could say overjoyed, happy, peaceful. Not yet. I just can't.


I spoke with the IVF coordinator today and the conversation left me more depressed than I already am. The good news is that to qualify for the Attain IVF program the only remaining pre-tests are blood work and a recent semen analysis by The Captain. That's the good news. Exciting right? The not so good news is that once we decide to start the IVF cycle there is a $450 deposit, non refundable if we change our mind. Then the bad news. . . I was expecting this to cost us roughly $18,000. Sha! Probably more like $24,000 and that doesn't include the cost of the meds which will range from $2,000 - 4,000. I know that we will have to finance the IVF we do not have that kind of cash. Celine Dion does but I do not. I don't think we can afford the monthly payments even. So now I am at a loss. 


I would pay just about anything to have The Captains child(ren) but I don't think they will let me finance this for 10 years. I could probably afford those monthly payments. Logically I am thinking about it like this: we were going to buy me a new car at some point, probably around $20,000 so can't we do the baby making thing instead? I am so confused, angry, bitter. Why can't I just make love to my husband and get pregnant like millions of other women? It's free!!


Option 1 - we do 3 IVF cycles 3 FET cycles with ICSI for $24,000. That does not include meds so tack on another $2,000 to $4,000 TOTAL $28,000 if we don't take home a baby then we get 75% of the money back.


Option 2 - we do 2 IVF cycles 2 FET cycles with ICSI for $18,000. not including meds TOTAL $22,000 There is no refund policy for this option.


can you see why I don't know what to do?

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IVF Consultation

I am going through a million emotions right now after our consultation this morning. Excitement, sadness, anger and grief to name a few. More on those later. 

We get to Dr.T's office and the first thing he says to us is "so you two have been misbehaving, you were supposed to be an easy case. You are not being easy". "Shaa nothing about our TTC journey has been easy". The biggest thing is that The Captain's sperm is getting better and better and we still aren't pregnant therefore he doesn't think we are male infertility factor anymore. So it is either something with me that we just aren't seeing or unexplained infertility. I am thinking it is the latter. He basically gave us 3 options to choose from.

1. We do another 2-3 IUI cycles using Gonal-f cycle  with an HCG trigger. This means lots of blood work and ultrasound monitoring. Total cost per cycle approx. $2,000. (if they don't work we will have spent $6,000 for no baby)

2. He says there is about a 50/50 chance I have endometriosis (sp?). I have zero symptoms of this. I do not believe this is the cause of our infertility. So option 2 is to do a Laparoscopy & Hysterscopy to see what is going on in there. Then do more IUI's (I feel in my heart and soul that this is not the case so I feel surgery is a waste of money)

3. IVF (total cost $12,000) he said that I am a candidate to donate half of my eggs so that way we would be splitting the cost of the IVF in half. I just don't know how I feel about that. 

I am excited that we chose option 3. We explained that we are tired of throwing our money at IUI's and they aren't working. We could be putting that money toward IVF since we feel we will end up here anyway. He understood and agreed. I am sad that this means that sex is definitely out of the equation of conceiving our child. At least with the IUI's we have intercourse on top of it so we could believe that we conceived the old fashioned way. (that makes sense in my head) I am angry that this has to be our journey, it seems we can just never catch a break with anything. The moment we get ahead there is a roadblock. I hate it. I hate infertility.

We didn't schedule anything since I still have 2 weeks to go for this cycle anyway. I have to talk with the IVF coordinator and the billing coordinator to figure out the funding of this. We will do the shared risk program, of that I am sure. Which means we will pay for 3 at a discounted rate and if we aren't successful then we will get back 90% of our money. On June 15th we are attending there 2 hour IVF class. This road has been so long, we are ready to get to the end and start a new journey the one called parenthood. 

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2 weeks

A new kind of two week wait. I made an IVF consultation appointment for next Friday. I figure that gives us two weeks to wrap our heads around IVF and then hear what the Dr. T has to say. We will just do a natural cycle this time and if I want to we can do a natural IUI even though I feel it is a waste of money. So in the mean time I am in a new kind of two week wait. . .

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Back to reality

Back to reality.

Back to the grind stone.

I want to be back in Costa Rica. . .

I still have a bunch of blogs and TV shows to catch up on since we were gone all last week. At least my suitcase is finally unpacked. We had a wonderful time on vacation even though I wasn't preggers. AF decided to show the morning we left to come home so I didn't have to deal with her on the trip. We have to make a decision about what we are doing this month. I am emotionally exhausted and wanted to take a break from the constant doctors appointments and pills and shots. But I feel guilty about not doing everything in my power to conceive. I want The Captain to be a father for his birthday and Father's Day and if I don't try then I can't give him that.

We have been talking and we are ready to move onto IVF. I know that is a huge decision but I am tired of constantly being disappointed and waiting and throwing money at IUI's that aren't doing anything. How do I make that decision?

I hate this, I hate infertility. Does anyone have a magic 8 ball I could borrow?

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We got the "All Clear. . ."

I went in for my baseline ultrasound today and got the "All clear for take off". I start the Lovidrel tonight for the next 5 days. I take 2 pills at the same time each night. I scheduled my next ultrasound for next Monday. They will measure my follicles and see if I am ready to ovulate. The Sonographer said that judging by my past charts she thinks I will be ready to trigger that night. That means that next Wednesday we will be doing our 4th IUI. I am a little anxious for this next cycle for two reasons:

Reason 1: This will be our first medicated IUI cycle so like anytime we try something new I get my hopes up.

Reason 2: I will know if this cycle worked the day we leave for Costa Rica. . .

Good vacation or bad vacation?

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Third time is NOT a charm

That's right folks, the witch came at 2:30 this morning. I haven't slept since. Cramps have kept me awake since 2:30 am. I don't know how I will make it through the day, plus I am working at the restaurant tonight. Lots of caffeine in my future!

Surprisingly I am okay with this, I think deep down I expected it. I always expect it. We are going ahead with the new protocol this month. We just can't let one cycle go by without doing something, it seems so unproductive. We are excited once again to try something new that will bring us a baby. I will call this morning and schedule a cd 3 ultrasound (Sunday) to see if I have any cysts on my ovaries, if I don't than we can go ahead with the Lovitrale, cd 3-7. I hope this will be the magic combination to bring us a BFP.

After all setbacks are what teaches us and makes us stronger. I will be stronger, braver and a better mother. I will keep chanting this for the rest of the day. Thank you and stayed tuned. . .

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Is this a gift?

My husband and I are infertile, that is what Doctors classify us as, and with this title comes many struggles and setbacks. Are they gifts though? Why not? Our struggle makes us different, it makes us better. Setbacks teach us and shape us and I realized how different The Captain and I would be without them. So, maybe I should start thinking about our infertility as a gift.

A gift that has brought us the closest we have ever been. I know now without a doubt that we can make it through any thing life throws us. We already have. We are still getting through one of the darkest times in our marriage, our lives. I wonder who we would be without this gift. Would we be grateful for the children we would have by now? Or resent them for taking away our freedom? I can better understand others pain because I myself have felt it. Why is it so hard for us to see that our setbacks are gifts?

Setbacks, we face them everyday, every week, every month. Some make us stumble. Others bring us to our knees. Each setback brings the opportunity to rise up, to be stronger, better, and braver than before. That is exactly what I plan to do!

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Why does it cost so much?

For us to have a baby.


Emotional cost, cost of stress, financial cost, etc. Why do some people have to pay such hefty bills in order to have a baby when others get off scott free? We have to raise $700 for the next cycle in less than a week. Where am I supposed to get that kind of money? Friends, family? I can't ask them to fork over their hard earned money just so we can have a family. Can I? I really thought I would go to this meeting with Dr. T and come out excited, ready for the next step, not overwhelmed and ready to cry. Then my husband has to freak out because of the financial strain it is putting on us. DUH! We knew that in the end it would end up costing us everything to have a child.

The next step. . .is a medicated, monitored cycle with an HCG trigger injection. What does all that mean? It means I will go in on CD 3 (if I get my period) and have an ultrasound done to see if I have any cysts on my ovaries. I don't. I know I don't but whatever, we will appease Dr. T. Then I take Letrozole from CD-3-7. It will help make sure that I ovulate. On CD 12 I will go in for another ultrasound to check my follicle size and uterine lining, etc. That night I will take the HCG trigger shot, I am not looking forward to this, to trigger ovulation. The next day we go in for another IUI and wait two weeks again. Repeat as necessary. . .

I think I may want to take next month off and just do a natural cycle to save some money. The Captain does not want to do this. He says we will figure something out even if he has to sell his boat. Normally that would sound like getting rid of a toy, not for my husband. He is an avid fisherman. It. is. his. passion. He also uses the boat to do commercial fishing in the winter to help make extra money for us to pay off some of our other debts. I would hate to see him give up something else he loves for infertility. We have already lost a little of ourselves, hope, faith and a ton of money. Plus we are traveling out of town twice next month, once for his sisters college graduation and the second to Costa Rica. I would so rather enjoy those trips instead of counting pennies because we would have already spent $700.

I am not jumping the gun too much. I still have two days left in this dreaded two week wait that might change all our plans. We'll see. . .

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Wishes

Genie, where are you? Where is the magical lamp that when you rub it a genie pops out and grants you three wishes? I wish it was that easy to get my wishes granted. I have been praying for the same things for 2 years and I wonder if they will ever be granted. I know they will in God's time. "Thy will be done" not mine, I know that. These are my wishes. . .

Genie, I wish that infertility didn't exist and those whose wombs are empty be filled

Genie, I wish for world peace

Genie, I wish that when I ask The Captain to do something he does it, not two weeks later

And some more random wishes that are floating around in my brain this morning. . .

I wish that when I want chocolate all I have to say is "bring me chocolate" and poof it appears

I wish my bathroom always stayed soap scum free and I never have to scrub it again

I wish that The Captain automatically put the seat down everytime

I wish my parents weren't going through a divorce

I wish my sister still lived here


I wish leprechauns existed, I could use a wee bit o' luck


If you had a Genie what would you wish for?


 

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Where is my Ace?

IUI #2 is a failure too. I knew it. Deep down I knew it the whole month. I want to think positively but I don't know how anymore.

In the high stakes game of trying to conceive I have a hand full of jokers. Why do other women get dealt Aces left and right and we are stuck with the Joker? Will I ever hold a winning hand?

I follow several infertility blogs and I made the mistake of checking out other blogs fellow infertiles follow. . .90% of them are pregnant now. That should give me hope but it doesn't, it makes me more upset that it seems to happen for everyone but us. I will be a great mother and The Captain will be a wonderful father so what's the hold up.

Either three strikes your out or third times a charm . . .

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11 dpIUI

I just looked at my chart and realized I am 11 dpIUI already. I feel nothing, no excitement, no pms symptoms, no sadness, just nothing. I am neutral.

This is the first month that The Captain and I haven't even talked about 2 ww signs/symptoms. In fact he asked me last night when we test and I told him this weekend, he couldn't believe a week already flew by. Me either. I don't feel pregnant. I don't think I am pregnant. I am just waiting for the next cycle like always.

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