Thursday, December 31, 2009

Another friend . . .

pregnant. *sigh* She told me last night when she got back into town and this is how she told me.

"Well I got to give my parents the coolest Christmas present, they are going to be grandparents."


I pretended to be happy for her and then I got into my car and let go. That was supposed to be me for the last 2 Christmas'. What sucks is when she started trying she came to me for advice on how to get pregnant. Like I'm the expert. right. Why does my advice work for her but not for me? Why? I am trying to be happy for them, they have been trying for 9 months and I remember what that was like for me at 9 months but that feels so long ago. How do you be happy for someone who is getting your dream?

I am tired of being the angry bitter infertile. . .

I am sick of 2009 and welcome midnight. . .

What sucks is she told me this last night and I have to go to her house tonight for a New Year's Eve party. How will I get through the night?

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Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Christmas at Dad's

I went to my Dad's house tonight to do our Christmas and I got . . . the Pioneer Woman cook book! I am super excited, I have wanted this for months and he got it for me. I can't wait to start cooking. I had to share.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a goodnight.

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Friday, December 18, 2009

worst Christmas ever . . .

and it hasn't even started yet. Where to start?

I haven't written about this till now but now I think it is time to get it out since I am sitting here crying my eyes out.

About 7 months ago I found out through my sister that my Mom was leaving my Dad. After 30 years of marriage she had had enough. The financial strain they were under was too much and she had been depressed for a year and it wasn't getting any better. I got a call from my sister asking "What's up? I just got a call from Dad wanting to know if Mom could rent my townhouse." I stood there frozen not able to comprehend what she just said to me. The longest, most stable relationship I had ever known isn't so stable anymore. The air had just been knocked out of me. But they raised two kids together and put them through college, one was married, the other moved away, it was supposed to be smooth sailing from here. Isn't that how it worked?

I immediately got in the car and drove to my parent's house (or my Dad's house as it is now referred to). My mom was there alone . . .

"Hey honey, is something wrong?"


"Well, I just got off the phone with Amanda of course something is wrong."


"oh, right" her only response. . .

She then told me how she has been depressed because of finances and she isn't happy. I have a hard time dealing with this because in my book you don't leave someone over money. Jimmy didn't leave me when I had no job but wanted to find the perfect design job and he had to support me or when he wanted to cut his hours and pay so that he could fish and try to making a living off of his dream. When I left the house I couldn't shake the feeling that this didn't look good, it didn't look good at all.

Fast forward 6 months . . .it is September and my parents are sitting us down to tell us that things are not getting better, my Mom wants a divorce. It was over just like that. Everything I knew about there relationship was a lie. My mom told me that it was only good when my sister and I were around, when it was just the two of them she was miserable. I couldn't believe what I was hearing, my cheeks turned hot,  I couldn't breathe, my stomach felt sick. I had nothing to sat to change her mind.

I have always wore this badge of honor that I am a twenty something whose families foundation hadn't been shattered by divorce. All of that was changing in the blink of an eye. There was nothing we could do to stop it. Now, I was aware that love didn't last forever - it couldn't possibly. What did that mean for my marriage? Where would our lives lead? These are questions I have had to deal with for the last few months, on top of it all we were (are) trying so desperately to have a family of our own. That fairy-tale isn't coming true either.

Worst Christmas ever . . .we are struggling like hell to conceive a child and went a whole year, again, without success. Our dream of having a baby will never come true, so it feels like. I have a scheduling nightmare ahead of me for next week trying to make it so that my parents don't spend Christmas together. So, my husband and I have to drive around all over town to see my Mom, my Dad and his parents in one day. Whew! To top it off my Dad is having a Christmas party where all of our friends and family are invited, except my Mom. I understand why, because when you get our group together and alcohol someone will say something and shit will hit the fan, but it isn't supposed to be like this. I am not supposed to be planning 3 holiday get togethers or feeling bad because my Mom won't be in her home at a Christmas party for all of our friends and family. I love Christmas but this just doesn't feel very much like Christmas.

My heart breaks because I can't give my husband what he so desperately desires, because my parents hearts are breaking, I miss my sister, and Santa isn't real. I am going to go take a bubble bath with a glass of wine right now and unwind and try to remember what Christmas is all about . . .presents.

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Sunday, December 13, 2009

She came . . .

early . . .

No Christmas wish coming true this year . . .

a whole year gone . . .

Dear God, let 2010 make our dream come true . . .

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Friday, December 11, 2009

hack, hack . . .

oh boy, I am really sick. What started out at as a little sore throat with no other symptoms is a full blown cold now. Great. Just what I needed at Christmas. Last night I was freezing cold I had to go to bed with my terry cloth robe on just to stay warm. My poor husband asked if I would mind if he slept in the guest room so he didn't get sick. I hope he doesn't get sick because he is a baby when he is sick. Here are my symptoms:

runny nose, excuse me while I blow it again
sore throat (I know from experience this is from my sinus' draining)
my teeth hurt, hmmm?
my head is cloudy, when isn't it?
my neck is sore

Do you think this is just a cold or something more? I really, really don't want to go to the doctor, I can't afford it right now. I had to switch my insurance to an HSA which means I will have to pay for the full doctor's visit not just a copay. Ugh, why me?

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Tuesday, December 8, 2009

*Sniff*




My throat hurts today from my sinus' drainging into it. I don't have a runny nose or any other sinus infection symptoms. I am wondering if this is a "sign" or most likely it is the weather. Only time will tell . . .

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Monday, December 7, 2009

A year in the life of an infertile woman

A Year in the Life of an Infertile Woman:

New Years -- This is where we make all those
resolutions, or in the case of an infertile, their hopes and dreams and
goals for the year ahead. We tell ourselves that this is going to be
our year! We are not going to face another new Year's without a child.
We are going to do whatever it takes to reach our dreams this year. And
we kiss, still crushed from the year prior, but with a renewed hope for
the year to come. This is going to be our year -- it has to be.

Valentines Day -- Finally, a holiday that doesn't
remind us of children! It's all about love. Only, we are pumped up on
drugs, or so exhausted from treatments, that it's hard to enjoy. Not to
mention, in the back of our minds, we know all those other couples,
sitting around us, eating their dinner, have children they get to go
home to. Valentine's cards to help them write out. Little hearts and
chocolates to scatter around the house in anticipation of little
excited faces.

March Break -- On the heels of Valentines Day comes
March break. Children abound, as families pack up to enjoy a fun week
together somewhere. But not you. No, you plough forward, head down,
trying not to notice.

Easter -- Next comes Easter. The stores are filled
with reminders of children. Everywhere you look is a reminder of what
you are missing. Easter bunnies, Easter baskets, Easter egg hunts.
Pretty spring children's dresses. Excited little faces and happy
families are everywhere. You long to be part of an easter egg hunt of
your own, but instead, you close your eyes and hope you just make it
through.

Mothers Day -- As if Easter wasn't bad enough,
Mother's Day is close behind. A slap in the face to infertiles
everywhere. You are not a mother and you wonder if you ever will be.
You do not get breakfast in bed, a hand drawn card, a hug from that
sweet little child telling you they love you. It's a painful reminder
of what you will never have, and what everyone around you gets so
easily. It's almost too much to bear, as you watch others enjoy what
you long for so badly.

Fathers Day -- Of course Father's Day is right behind.
Happy children and their dads, out to brunch, playing golf, fishing,
enjoying the day together. You think of your husband and what he is
missing. You can't help picturing him as a father, knowing how good he
would be. You imagine your own children taking his hand and hopping up
on his lap, smiling up at him. Their dad. Their hero. And you can't
help from thinking how robbed he is, when you see the pain on his face.

Summer Holidays -- One of the best times of year for
family fun. Kids are out of school. Everywhere you look are happy
families picnicking, going to the park, the beach. And you long to be
one of them. The carefree days of summer are everywhere. Long weekends
and camping trips. Innocent times and bonding and memories being
created that will last a life time. Yet, you still cannot join in the
fun.

Weddings -- Of course, what would the summer be
without weddings. You watch, as other couples get married, knowing that
soon, their dreams will come true, and they will be blessed with
families before you. You think back to your wedding, how excited and
hopeful you were for the future together. All the family plans you had,
the big house, the fun family trips. And it's painful to watch it come
true for everyone else but you.

Baby showers -- Invites to baby showers come fast and
furious. You can't even bear to open the envelope. You shop for other
peoples' children, holding back the lump in your throat, trying not to
breathe, and maybe you will get through it.

Birthdays -- Next comes your birthday. But you have
nothing to celebrate. It's just a painful reminder that you are another
year older, another year has passed without a child. Your chances are
decreasing every single day. And you can't bear to blow out your
candle, yet again, and make the only wish you have been wishing.
Because it still hasn't come true.

Anniversaries -- Your wedding anniversary is upon you,
and it's time to celebrate your love. The one thing that keeps you
going through all the pain. But unfortunately, it's also an anniversary
where you both will mourn another year passing without a child. The
family you haven't created.

Back to School -- Back to school has become a season
these days. You look around at all the stores, all the little
knapsacks, and school supplies. Your nieces and nephews are getting
older. Friends children are growing up before your eyes. Life is moving
forward without you. You can't help but feel like it's completely
passing you by.

Halloween -- As the autumn leaves fall, families are
huddled up carving pumpkins together, making candy apples, playing in
the falling leaves. And Halloween rolls around quickly. Parents dress
up little angels, princesses, and monsters in the cutest outfits you
have ever seen. You dread the day as it grows darker, knowing that
soon, happy little children will be knocking on your door, saying trick
or treat. And you will barely be able to keep yourself from crying. You
think about everything you are missing. You long to be taking your own
children out from house to house. And you end the night, a puddle on
the floor, sobbing your eyes out, wishing you could hide away forever.

Thanksgiving -- The season of family is officially
upon you. Happy families get together to share turkey and rejoice in
all that they have to be thankful for. Just the thought of another
holiday where you still don't have your own family to share it with,
tortures you beyond belief. You have a hard time thinking of anything
to be thankful for, let alone, sharing the holiday with family and
friends who have everything you want. Everyone has a family except for
you, and the pain cuts so deep you don't think you will survive it.

Christmas -- The holiday season is upon you in no
time. The pinnacle of holidays is finally here. Christmas is the
motherload, the holiday of all holidays. The one you have been dreading
all year. For it is the season of children and dreams and families and
miracles. For everyone but you. Little stocking hanging from the
fireplace, ornaments on the tree, hopes of Santa, snowmen on front
lawns, Christmas parades, hot chocolate, cold little toes and noses and
happy laughter fills the air. The stores bellow out Christmas music.
Commercials celebrate families and children. Movies are filled with the
magic of family. Christmas lights and Santa sleighs, and nativity
scenes are everywhere. Christmas cards arrive in the mail, all those
happy smiling family pictures and updates from friends and families.
The magic of the season is everywhere, all around you, suffocating you,
choking you to death. The pain has never been so great, so real, and so
deep. You envy everyone you see. You can barely venture out your front
door. It is the happiest season of all, a season you once loved, a
season you wonder if you will ever love again. A season that now pulls
you under with such grief that you are sure you will die. But you don't
die. You survive. As you brace yourself for the upcoming New Year and
the whole new calendar that comes with it.



source - unknown

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Friday, December 4, 2009

News from the PD...sob story

DH had his final appointment with the Urologist (PD) this morning. It didn't go as well as planned and got the news I have been dreading. All his bloodwork came back normal. Why can't we just get some answers instead of "we don't know why you can't get pregnant or have low sperm"? He said we are done with the Urologist and it is time to move on to an RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist), they will need to do a testicle biopsy on him to determine why his count is so low. At the same time they recommend doing an IUI (intrauterine insemination) because they will get all of his best swimmers out at the time of the biopsy, let's not waste those. I think I need some wine and chocolate right now.

We won't be going until January since this cycle is half over already. I pray that like so many women we won't need to do any of this because I am actually pregnant and don't know it yet. Ha yeah right. I am feeling a little blue today. I can't believe that a whole nother year has past without a hint of conception. How did I ever think "first cycle I will be pregnant because I know my body so well"? What a load of crap. How could I be so naive. April will be our 2 year mark of trying to conceive, I really don't know if my heart can take reaching that milestone. This past year has really kicked the shit out of me and Jimmy. I hope that 2010 is our lucky year and we don't have to go another 365 days without being pregnant.

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Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Here's my new cousin, Daegan

I told you I would post a picture. Of course I think she is the most beautiful baby in the world. :)




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Babies and more babies

Wow, I am back from my 9 day holiday with family, family and more family. Sorry I haven't had the chance to blog while I was gone. Atleast while I was away from my husband I was only waiting to O and we haven't missed the eggie yet. I should O any day now. So I am praying for a Christmas BFP. While I was away my uterus was very happy because I got to meet my new cousin, Daegan, last week. It was hard being around when they were having Mom and baby moments but I know my time will come. I did get to feed her and rock her to sleep, that is the most precious feeling, when they fall asleep in your arms holding onto your finger. I can't wait to do that with our children. When I get a free moment I will upload a picture of her, she is beautiful. She will be 10 weeks this week.

On another subject, do any of you have friends with babies and you told them repeatedly that you will babysit for them for free anytime? Well ALL of our friends have children, 2 years or younger, and I have offered to babysit all of them and not once has anyone taken us up on our offer. Well, last night I got the text to babysit for a friend of mine all day on Saturday, granted her son is 18 months old now but still. I am super excited and can't wait. She is going to leave me a car seat so we can go anywhere we want. Any good ideas on what to do to keep an 18 month old entertained for 8 hours? He is the cutest kid too.

More babies...congratulations to Bonnie and her husband for welcoming their new son, Liam, into the world early this morning. They deserve to be parents more than anyone I know and "Juno" was their blessing. Congratulations again!

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Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Happy Thanksgiving!

Today is the last day I will have access to the internet. Nooooo! What will I do? So I wanted to say Happy Thanksgiving to all my blog friends. I hope you eat lots of turkey, take naps in front of the tv, and enjoy time with family. Have a good weekend and I will back on Monday.

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Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Spoke to soon

She is here...

I am so sad and angry. I thought for sure that 2009 would bring us our BFP. I can not believe that it has been almost a whole year without success. Does this ever get easier? I am at work trying not to cry my eyes out right now. Why can't it be our turn? I have been ready to be a Mom for such a long time, it is so unfair. I need to go crawl in a hole and prepare myself for next week. My relatives can be a little insensitive to the whole infertility thing. My Grandmother constantly says "we have to get you a baby" no shit, really? Ever since my cousin had her baby that is all I hear. You don't think I have been trying to give you a Great Grandchild. Ugh stupid people.

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AF where are you? (results from PD too)

This will probably be a long post so bear with me. Af has not arrived, FF says today is the day yet there is no sign of her arrival. My temps went back up today, wth is going on? I am so confused this cycle. I am so afraid to test. I would so rather see that Biatch then a stark white stick anyday. After 100 of them it gets a little old. Please look at my chart and tell me what you think. From what I can tell it doesn't resemble any past charts, AF usually starts the day of the drop, hmpfh

DH visited the lovely PD (penis doctor) today and he had to give me some news first:

Dh says "oh guess what Dr. Z had an intern with him today"

Me "oh that's cool, I guess"

DH "yeah, it was a girl (pause) and he wanted to see my balls again, this is the funnest day ever" hint of sarcasm

Hee! Well by the time we have a baby do you know how many people are going to see my vajay-jay. Anyway, the first SA he had done everything was normal except low sperm count of 2 million, normal is 20 million or so. He had to do 2 more 2 weeks apart with being on new male fertility vitamins. The first one everything normal count went up to 4 million (yay doubled still low) last weeks was 4.1 million. EVEN HIGHER! So the vitamins are working. Now has to have a boat load of blood work done to see if there are hormonal reasons. After all that is done then we should move to IUI and do a testicle biopsy at that time. So it looks like my plan to go see the RE next month won't be happening. He goes back Dec 4th to get the results of all the blood work, I pray that it is an easy fix or that I am pregnant and we can forget about all this non-sense. Wish me luck.

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Tuesday, November 17, 2009

scared from a tv show!

I love Criminal Minds and I watch all the old reruns every day when I get home from work. Well the other night this episode was on about a serial rapist and I have already been watching it for a half hour then toward the end it is revealed the rapis targets women who are going to a fertility clinic and who are on Clomid!!! What!? I was totally freaked out because that could have easiliy been me or any of you. Needless to say I couldn't sleep that night, probably why my temps are all erratic. Maybe I should stay away from shows like that before bedtime. Chime in if you saw that episode or if you would be scared too.

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Thursday, November 12, 2009

SA #2 down, 9 dpo

DH made it to his SA yesterday on time, what a miracle. He says he is done with this lab though, we should have paid the $110 to have the RE do it instead. There office is 3 miles from our house where the lab is 30 miles from the house. He goes back the PD (do you remember what that stands for?) hee, next Wednesday to hear all the results. Please pray that it is good news. Today I am 9 dpo, I think, I don't feel any different than I do every month so I am not getting my hopes up. DH and I had a long talk last night about our plans for the future.

On infertility:
After this cycle if we don't concieve we are going to see the RE for a consultation and begin either IUI or IVF depending on what she says. I told him that I don't think I can hit the 2 year mark without insanity, he agreed. He even said he would sell some of his stock so that we didn't have to take out a loan, this is huge he has been holding on to his stocks for about 10 years. Although at this point I don't care how much it costs, I would pay a million dollars if it meant we got to one day hold our baby in our arms.

On when we have a baby:
I have been struggling with what kind of father DH will be. I know he will be a great one but how involved. Let me tell you he LOVES his sleep and he is a very hard sleeper. For some reason we have never talked specifics on whose duty will be what. I was honestly really surprised that he said the 2 days off he has a week (which are in the middle of the week) our child will be home with him and not in daycare. What? That is awesome, I didn't know he felt so strongly about that. I thought it would be the crazy, overprotective mother who was so adament about having the baby home with them, not him. Awe, it melted my heart.
Have I told you how much I love this man?

I think I have a pretty good chart going right now, my temp went up a little this morning. As I said I am not getting my hopes up so I won't test again this cycle until after AF is late, oh boy that is right before we leave for our Thanksgiving trip to visit my family. Lets hope I can hold it together if it is a BFN.

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Sunday, November 8, 2009

empty house

My sister has been here for 3 weeks visiting and she left his morning. I am sad but I will see her in 14 days when I go up to visit her. Yes, we can't be away from each other for very long. What can I say it's a twin thing.

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Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Migraine sufferer

One thing I don't reveal about my self very often is that I am a chronic Ophthalmic Migraine. 

This visual aura can be very dramatic. Classically, a small blind spot appears in the central vision with a shimmering, zig-zag light inside of it. This enlarges, and moves to one side or the other of the vision, over a 20 to 30 minute period. When it is large, this crescent shaped blind spot containing this brightly flashing light can be difficult to ignore.

In fact I am getting one right now so forgive my typing I can only see about 50% right now. Here is what my vision looks like right before I get a headache. It starts out as a pin prick blind spot and I have to rub my eyes to see if my mind is playing tricks on me or not. Then in about 10 minutes it covers half of my vision, by the time it moves out of sight, WHAM, migraine headache. Have you ever had a camera flash go off in your face and you can't see for a minute? That is what it is like for about 30 minutes!!!


I have been getting migraines since I was in kindergarten. Imagine how scary it is for a 5 year old to loose half her vision for 30 mintues and then get a pain so severe in her head that she begins puking from the pain. I can not take anything once I get the Aura it comes way too fast for anything to take effect and most migraine medicines give me really bad side effects. I was on a preventative for years and maybe got 1 every 4 months or so. Lovely! Well when I went back to my neurologist he asked if I was planning on having kids, this is how our conversation went:

Doc: Are you and your husband planning on starting a family?

Me: Yes, in fact we have been trying to coceive for sometime without success.

Doc: Oh, any of the medicines needed to take for prevention have not been proven safe for expectant mothers.

Me: What!? I can't go without this.

Doc: It isn't known to cause harm we just aren't certain that it won't. Try to go without taking the prescription and if you can't live without it then start taking it again.

Yeah right like I am going to take a prescription that I am not sure is safe for yet coceived child. If I miscarry OMG the guilt I will feel. So the conclusion to my story is I have been off the medicine for about 6 months with only a few migraines to show for it. I can do this I am cured. WROOOONNNNGGGG! I guess I still had a trace of the Elavil left in my system because I have had 4 migraines in the past 10 days. That's right almost every other day I have gotten one. So what should I do? I am seriously considering filling that prescription. What would you do? I am sorry that this is so long but I had to explain it right. Help!

Pained and confused.

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Sunday, November 1, 2009

photo montage from my day at Disney

Halloween was my Mom's birthday so she wanted to go to Hollywood Studios. Here some of the finer moments.

This is me trying to fit my hands in Pee Wee Herman's. My nickname growing up and to this day is Pee-wee because I could talk like him and did all the time.



My Mom chose to sit by Neil Diamond, she loves him

We got to meet Goofy and he was being Goofy


We traveled to Narnia and met Prince Caspian, oooooh aaaaah


I had the biggest sandwich for lunch and the Starring Roles Cafe


Lighting McQueen and Mator, like Tomator without the To!


Our lovely 3-D glasses for the Muppet Vision show (you know you want a pair)


I can't figure out how to rotate it in blogger, sorry


We went to the Animation Academy and you learn how to draw like the Animators, I think we did pretty damn good for not being allowed to have an eraser!



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Saturday, October 31, 2009

Boo! (did I scare you?)

Happy Halloween everyone! I am off to Disney World with my Mom and sister. It is my Mom's birthday today so she gets in for free. I hope you have a frightful day.

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Wednesday, October 28, 2009

SA tomorrow



Ok DH is going to try again to get his SA done. The appointment is tomorrow and I need everyones prayers that he is not late this time. That is a huge feat for my husband, he is 30+ minutes late for everything!!!! Even work. I have been on the phone all morning and found an RE only 5 miles from our house that can do the SA's from now on but can't get an appointment for 2 weeks so his next SA will be there, thank God. He can do the sample at home from now on, YEA! Has anyone run into a problem with the insurance not covering the SA's? The RE's office told me to call and make sure they will pay for 2 in a 1 month period, apparently sometimes they only cover 1. Since this one will be in October and the next one will be in November does that count as a 2 month period or it the number of weeks? Any insight on this would be great. All these SA's are screwing with my BDing schedule, ha ha. Since you can't do anything for 3 days before hand, the next one is going to be right around O time, I am not sure how I am going to fanagle (sp?) that.

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Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Coming out of my dark and twisty place

I am out of my dark and twisty place, AF is gone and I am feeling good. I got to see and hold my friends 1 week old baby this morning for an hour. Now I smell like baby and have a new fire to conceive. He was so cute! I thought it would be hard seeing him but it was so easy to love him and not feel any resentment toward my friend for being so damn fertile and producing this beautiful baby. As of now I am in the different 2 ww and it is already too long. I will post pictures of the baby when I get home tonight.

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Monday, October 26, 2009

She's here! :(

I didn't get to post yesterday but AF came yesterday morning full force. Did I really expect the outcome to be different? I guess I did. Ok so on to cycle 19...

DH is going to try and do the SA again on Thursday everybody say a prayer that he doesn't run late again. grrrrr! This is our last chance so that we do not have to reschedule his Urologist appointment, if we have to do that then we can't get in until 2010!!! Nooooo! I have to have some hope of getting a christmas BFP, right?

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Friday, October 23, 2009

Still no sign of the witch or her sister spot :)

I did not test again today because well that just puts me in a dark and twisty place, in the words of Meredith Grey. So I am having hope until she shows, hopefully 9 months from now! As far as I am concerned today is a good day so far.

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Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Son of a &%^*!

Because DH was late to his SA appointment they wouldn't let him do it. He was the only person in the waiting room too. They stop taking SA's at 11:00 am and he got there at 10:40, WTF! He just drove 40 minutes because that is the only lab that accepts them and had to turn around and leave. Guess we won't be getting any answers soon. I told him to call the insurance company and complain to get permission to go somewhere else. They refused him this time and last time if you remember they put him in a closet to do the deed. Horrible customer service!

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Today is the day, the sun is out and the tank is clean...


Well not yet, the "tank" won't be clean until after 10:30 am. That's right, DH is going for his 2nd SA this morning and my fingers are crossed that the vitamins have helped and we will get good results. He has to go back for another in 2 weeks and then back to the Urologist. I am praying really hard that we don't need any of these SA's. AF still hasn't come but I am starting to doubt when I O'd and that she isn't really late yet. I am so scared to test. Oh my, I am rambling and getting way off topic. DH has been on L-carnitine for about 2 weeks and I know that is not a lot of time but I really could use a miracle right about now. I need all of your fingers crossed out there.

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Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Still no AF

She has still not arrived and I am keeping my finers crossed she stays away! I won't test until she is really late because I hate BFN's. Until now, AF free...

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Monday, October 19, 2009

AF stay away, you are not welcome!!!

Well she is supposed to be here today or tomorrow. I am feeling crampy and I don't normally get cramps until after AF arrives so keep your fingers crossed for me. I hope it is my uterus expanding for a bean. I will let you know what happens.

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Thursday, October 15, 2009

Pregnancy and Infant Loss remembrance day

I didn't know it until Eileen posted about this but October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant loss Remembrance Day. Everyone is supposed to light a candle and keep it lit for at least one hour tonight at 7:00 pm to remember those we have lost. I have so many friends that have had to say goodbye to their babies before they even got to meet them. I also have several friends pregnant right now and one about to give birth any day now. I light my candle for all of you. I have neither lost a baby or been pregnant so it is not for me but for you. I urge you all to light a candle as well tonight at 7:00.

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Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming

In the immortal words of Dory...just keep swimming! Dh is back from the Urologist and besides being the youngest person at the doctors office by about 30 years everything looks good. He said everything is normal downstairs and he needs to do 2 more semen analysis' two weeks apart. He gave him some vitamins to start taking but other than that I guess it is good news. Not that I wanted anything to be wrong with him but atleast there would be something to fix. He said that the lab didn't test for everything that they were supposed too so his analysis is inconclusive that is why he has to do 2 more. So we wait again...

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Friday, October 2, 2009

dun dun dun....

5 more days until hubby's appointment with the p.d. (penis doctor, that is what we are calling it). 5 more days until he has to turn his head and cough, 5 more days until we learn that we will be able to conceive, 5 more days until I can have hope restored once again.

Whoo hoo! 5 more days.

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Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Installing a husband


Dear Tech Support,


Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.Conversation 8..0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?


Signed,


Desperate


DEAR DESPERATE,


First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0update. If that application works as designed, Husband1..0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 orBeer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.. Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.) In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.. These are unsupported applications and will crashHusband 1.0.In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.


We recommend:

Cooking 3.0 and

Hot Lingerie 7.7.


Good Luck Babe!


Tech Support

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Sunday, September 27, 2009

Af is in town, so soon?

I swear she was just here and she was, 22 days ago. WTH is going on with me? I think it is stress related. On to cycle 19 we have officially passed the year and a half mark. I pray to God every night we do not reach the 2 year mark.

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Monday, September 21, 2009

Urologist's in high demand

DH could not get in to see any Urologist until October 7th. I know it is only 16 days away but we have been waiting 17 months to conceive. So it looks like there won't be any news on our journey for a few weeks. I am not counting this cycle out yet but with his numbers I am doubtful.

On a happier note, I become an Aunt tomorrow for the first time. Not really but it is my cousin's baby and she is practically my sister and I will be called Aunt Erin. She is have a c-section at 7:30 am so lets all welcome Daegan Ashley into the world. Hip Hip Hooray!

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Saturday, September 19, 2009

Swimmer results

"We have a bit of an issue to overcome", is what my Doc said when she called yesterday. Here are his numbers:

Volume - 1.8
Concentration - 2.2 million, normal is 20 million
PH - 8.5, normal is 7.2-8.0
Morphology - normal
Motility - normal
Time - normal

So it is good news that DH has sperm, just not a lot, and they are shaped right and swimming in the right direction. The doc thinks he has a varicocele, this is from google dictionary:

A varicocele forms when valves inside the veins along the spermatic cord prevent blood from flowing properly. This causes the blood to back up, leading to swelling and widening of the veins. (This is essentially the same process that leads to varicose veins, which are common in the legs.)

Varicoceles usually develop slowly. They are more common in men ages 15 - 25 and are most often seen on the left side of the scrotum. Varicoceles are often the cause of infertility in men.

The sudden appearance of a varicocele in an older man may be caused by a kidney tumor, which can block blood flow to a vein.


He will have to go see a urologist to have a simple surgery done to correct it, if that is the cause. I know several couples that the husband was diagnosed with this and got it fixed and got pregnant the very next month. I pray that we can get this taken care of quickly and be back on our journey to our baby. At least now we have a clear understanding of what is causing our infertility and have a new plan of attack. Until then...

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Wednesday, September 16, 2009

SA today

Dh went in for his SA today, stay tuned...

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Sunday, September 13, 2009

Shopping and dinner with Mom


I had the best day with my Mom today, we went shopping all day and then came back to my house and made Julia Child's meatloaf recipe with Mashed Potatoes and Cornbread casserole (courtesy of Mom). We went to Crate and Barrel, that just opened, first and then to the mall. We got inspired at Crate and Barrel to set up the table in a fancy way (see pictures below). It was really nice being able to spend the whole day together, it wasn't the same without my sister there to make it an officials girl's outing but a great day none the less. So here are some pictures of our table and the meatloaf. It may not look as good as it tastes but man I don't think I will make old fashioned Meatloaf ever again. I definitely recommend Julia's!!! I know this post is off topic but I had to share. There will be more TTC news this week I am sure. Till then, Bon Appetit!

Our table setting inspired by Crate and Barrel


The meatloaf...final product

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Sunday, September 6, 2009

Next month, next month, next month...

The Inglorious Bitch showed last night while at the movies seeing Inglorious Basterds. She is a week early and I could really kill her right now just like Aldo Raine killed all those Nazis. I don't know what my plans are for next cycle but I think I need a break from all this. We'll see...

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Friday, September 4, 2009

The human pin cushion

Well, I went and had my blood drawn this morning. Just call me the human pin cushion. What should have been 1 vial was actually 2 1/2. The vial kept only filling up half way and then stopping, the nurse said "either you aren't pumping any blood or something is wrong with the tube". Well I was sitting there breathing so it must be the tube. Finally after the 3rd attempt we got a full vial. I won't get the results back until Wednesday of next week. So now I am in a new kind of 1ww. Wish me luck!

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Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Dis or Dat


So I am utterly confused at the moment. As you know I am on 50 mg of Clomid, round 2, well I am not sure that I O'd this month yet. I have not gotten a positive OPK since cd11 nor any other signs until today. When I did a check, and I won't gross you out with the details, but my CP has changed to high. YEA!!! I could be ovulating right now. Of course, POAS aholic I am had to pee on a stick, there wasn't even a 2nd line. WTF? I am so confused, I just don't know where to go from here. It is cd 19 and I am either in my 2 ww or still waiting to O. Oh the joys of trying to conceive. To top it off I decided not to temp this cycle because I thought it would be too stressful to do the Clomid, OPK's and temping. I couldn't be more WRONG!! Guess I learned that lesson. We will wait it out and see if the witch shows in 9 days or not.

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Monday, August 31, 2009

Not a good day to read blogs

I have read 3 of my infertility blogs this morning and they are all, you guessed it, pregnant. Now while I am super ecstatic for all of these ladies I didn't need to read them all in the same morning. Now I feel even more depressed about my own short comings.

I do want to say CONGRATULATIONS to all of you who got your BFP's! I hope you have a happy and healthy 9 months ahead of you.

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Thursday, August 27, 2009

You want me to do what where?

More semen analysis drama, why can't this one thing be easy? After battling with the insurance company for months on getting dh's insurance card I find out that the only lab that can do the SA is in Lutz, Florida. Outside of our half hour time limit, you know what that means, he has to do it there instead. Great, just great. How embarrasing for my dh. I told him I would take off work and go with him but he said I didn't need to do that. I think I do. ugh why can't we just get a break once.

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Attain IVF

I came across this ad from google today about how to attain IVF treatments for an economical cost. http://www.attainivf.com

I am a little skeptical of this, have any of you done this program or heard of it? Apparently you get 6 cycles of IVF at a discounted price and if it doesn't work your money is refunded. In order to get more information you have to fill out a form, I don't want to give my information if it is a scam. Jimmy and I talked a little about it last night and he wants to exhaust all our options before going to adoption. So that means we will be saving our money for either IUI's or IVF. Looks like no more shopping for me. Bummer! Hopefully he can get into the lab soon to get his sa done and we will know where we stand on the infertility road.

Let me know if you have heard of AttainIVF...

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Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Quick hello

I just wanted to say a quick hello to all my followers. I know I haven't updated in a few days. Nothing is going on right now, I am waiting to O. Should be in the next 3 days and then the fun begins. Not really, I hate waiting. I will post again in a few days with another update. Right now things are pretty boring, which is good because that means less stress.

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Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Finally!

If you remember the battle with the insurance company and dh's S.A. well guess what arrived in the mail today. His insurance card!!!! After almost 4 months it finally came. Now he can get the SA done. Whew! Things are looking up...

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Round 2!

Dh and I had a talk last night and he said we need to "Get ur Done", his words not mine. I guess Larry the Cable Guy is our TTC muse. He thinks we should go ahead and do another round of clomid, 50 mg, this month to give it another shot and not take a break. So I called my doctor and they called in a prescription for me. I will start taking it tonight until cd 9. Lets pray that this time it works.

In the meantime I am going to see my cousin this weekend, who is due in September. We had a little scare last night because she started to go into labor but they gave her a shot to stop the contractions. I would have really liked to meet my new cousin but if she isn't ready I don't want her to come. Please say a prayer for her.

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Saturday, August 15, 2009

Unwanted arrivals...

Yep the Bitch showed, early too. WTF!!! Sorry I am a little bitter today since she came a day early and I didn't even get the chance to not test until I was late. Dang it. Not to mention it was the night I had to go to Babies R Us to buy a shower gift and see a gazillion preggo ladies in there all joyous and crap. Just for all that I parked in expectant mother's parking. What? If you hope for it doesn't it count. I felt the need for a little compensation for all this infertility crap. Sorry I am a little angry today, maybe tomorrow will be better. Now I have to go and finish my glass of wine.

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Thursday, August 13, 2009

Like giving crack to an addict

Thank you to all the girls on BZ who have attempted to distract me from POAS. However, one of you, who shall remain nameless, have tempted me with a coupon for wal-mart answer brand tests. I am supposed to be refraining from testing for the next 3 days but how can I when I have 10 tests in my cabinet, yes I said 1o! and there is a sale at Wal-mart. Ugh the agony. How will I make it 72 more hours!!! And the clock starts now...

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Monday, August 10, 2009

O' symptoms where art thou?


I am now 8 dpo and have no symptoms of impending pms or pregnancy. My girls aren't sore at all, no changes. Usually they are too sore to wear a bra or to even sleep on. Why no pain? Everyone I have talked to that has been on Clomid get sore boobs immediately after O'ing. I really hope this is a good sign. Most months I would swear up and down that I was pregnant, fatigue, frequent urination, sore boobs, etc. You get the picture, I'm obsessive. Not this month - nothing! Well, that is all I have to report because there is nothing to report about. This is so strange, I can't even obsess over the little twinges or pains because there isn't any. It just can't ever be easy, can it? Just when I think I have it all figured out, it changes. Sheesh!

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Friday, August 7, 2009

I love my sister!!!

I came home from work yesterday and she had set up a romantic dinner table with champagne and chocolate cake for our anniversary dinner.

Here is the birds eye view of the table with candles, champagne, and cake
She even put rose petals on the table. How sweet!


DH and I cooked fresh snapper, that he caught fishing, with english peas and oven roasted potatoes. It was such a good meal, yum yum! We make such a good team.

I can't believe it has been 4 years, time flies when your having fun.











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Thursday, August 6, 2009

Happy Anniversary to me and DH!

Today is our 4th wedding anniversary. I can't believe it has already been 4 years since we said 'I do'. How time flies! Four years ago today we pledged our lives together in good times and in bad, for richer or for poorer and in-sickness and in-health. Little did we know that there have been more bad times than we bargained for, because of infertility, we will probaly be poorer after all this infertility crap, and if I could just get pregnant we could tackle the sickness part (morning that is). Tonight we plan on cooking snapper, that he caught fishing yesterday, watching our wedding videos and looking at our albums. My parents suprised us at our wedding by purchasing disposable DVD camcorders and passing them around. So we have 4 different DVD's of people taking the cameras around giving shout outs and such. It was so thoughtful and wonderful. I am really looking forward to taking a trip down memory lane tonight.

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Lovely blog award!

Thank you Jen for my One Lovely Blog Award!






The rules of the “One Lovely Blog Award” are: Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link. Pass the award to 15 (I won't have 15!) other blogs that you’ve newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.
If you've already been awarded, just feel extra special that you're awarded again!












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Friday, July 31, 2009

Prayer to God

He does promise that He will direct our ways when we trust in Him (Proverbs 3:5-6) and that His grace will be sufficient for the times of trial.

How long does my time of trial have to be? It has been 16 months without an answered prayer from you. My faith is starting to dimenish. I know that I should trust in you all the time but how does one do that when each day the same miracle I have been praying for is happening to someone who doesn't deserve it or doesn't want it. My husband has said his hopes and dreams are gone and now he is just living day to day, is that what you wanted? I don't know how to keep his head up when I am drowning.

Why am I not meant to be a mother yet? I have so much love to give and no one to give it to. I just wish you would tell me why our trials are lasting so long. My heart is breaking for us everyday, how many days to I have to cry myself to sleep until you answer our prayer? Please God, I have put my trust in you for so long, show me the way.

Amen

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Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Waiting to O!

I am done with the Clomid for this cycle, so now I am just waiting to O. The only thing I can tell that is a "side effect" I have what feels like O pains every night before bed, even though I shouldn't O for another few days. I hope that means that I am getting nice big follies to release a really good egg this time. Here to hoping. Now we are just waiting to O so I can start the 2ww all over again. It will be the longest 2 weeks in my life!


On another note, I went out of town for 2 days for work to Fort Lauderdale and had a really good time. My colleague and I drove down to South Beach, I had never been to Miami before so I really liked that part of the trip. We started out just looking at the rich houses on the water in Fort Lauderdale and the next thing we knew we saw a sign that said Miami Beach. It wasn't our intent to go there but I am glad we did. We also had a good talk about TTC, he and his wife tried for awhile and they are now expecting their first child. YAY! I hadn't told anyone at work that we are trying but I am glad I talked to him about it. In a way I feel a little better that at least I don't have to sneak around everyone at work. Now there is someone I can talk to if something comes up.

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Saturday, July 25, 2009

I am on the "pill"


No not that pill, Clomid. It has been 2 days since I started my 5 day regimen and I have had no side effects, yet! I think taking it before bed is helping a lot, so that I sleep through whatever side effects I may have. I really hope this is what we needed in order to have a baby. I have heard from so many people that they took it or knew someone who took it and then became pregnant, that is what is giving me hope right now. Otherwise I think I just might lock myself in my bedroom and cry. I have to have positive thoughts this cycle so I chant..."I will have a baby" "I will have a baby" "I will have a baby". I feel like the little engine that could.

I have decided this cycle I wouldn't "obsess" as much so I haven't been temping. I will do it closer to O'ing just to confirm and not temp during the 2ww. I feel a lot less stressed because of it, so maybe that will help too.

Wish me luck!

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Monday, July 20, 2009

BFP here I come!

I just got off the phone with my OB's nurse, I love her! They are calling in my prescription for Clomid right now. I am going to start on 50mg at first for cd 4-9. I am so freaking excited right now, I can't believe it. I thought I would dread the day that medicine had to intervene, but bring it on. Saturday was such a hard day for me that I didn't think I would get excited again for a long time. YEA! I am so happy we have a new game plan.

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Saturday, July 18, 2009

On to cycle 16

I tested this morning and got another BFN! I didn't really expect it to be anything else. I am so over not succeeding at this. TTC is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to face and for dh and I as a couple. I have already called the doctors office to call me Monday morning to discuss starting the Clomid this cycle. I know she wanted to wait until DH has his SA done but that could be another few months. His insurance is not being handled quickly from the HR people and we still have not received his insurance card in the mail. The only testing facility that accepts SA's is an hour away. I am really at loss right now on what to do or where to go from here. I never would have guess that it would take more than 16 months to get pregnant when so many women get pregnant after a one night stand, etc. I will post again when I here from the doctors office.

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Friday, July 17, 2009

Becoming another angry infertile

Ok, so what is up with my charts, I swear every month I am going to get a tri-phasic chart and then I still get BFN's. This time my temperature is still up and I am at 13 dpo. I thought for sure it would drop this morning since yesterday I got a BFN. Why do I test when I know I am not supposed to? I ask this question every month too. I guess I still have a little bit of hope since my temps are still way above the coverline. I am testing again tomorrow morning if my temps are still up, I am sure I will test anyways since I am a POASaholic.

I am starting to get really frustrated and angry now because it seems we are doing everything right but still failing. I have prayed so hard for a baby and given it to God to do. I can't help but feel like he isn't listening to me anymore even though I know that isn't true. How can I one keep their head up when the weight of the world is on their shoulders. Ugh when will this journey be over and I can start a new one. A family of 3 or more!

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Wednesday, July 15, 2009

I solemnly swear that I am up to no good...

I am back from my work trip finally. I didn't get to temp while I was away because I wouldn't be waking up at the same time as usual. I took it this morning and it doesn't look like it has dropped at all, YEA! I hope tomorrow it stays up.


On another note today is HP day. Harry Potter Day!!! I have already bought my ticket for tonights showing and I will be wearing my shirt "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good" on the front and "Mischief Managed" on the back. I am so excited about the new movie, whose with me? Is anyone else going to see it right away or am I the only dork? I have heard nothing but good reviews about the movie so can't wait. Happy HP Day everyone!


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Thursday, July 9, 2009

Nothing new

Nothing new to report. I am 5 dpo right now and I think everything is the same from previous cycles so we probably didn't conceive this month either. I am getting really bummed and losing hope. I hope something changes in the next few days. I will probably be MIA for awhile, I will be doing a lot of traveling for work over the next few days. I will try and post when I can.

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Monday, July 6, 2009

Stick it to the man!

Ugh so we had our annual health insurance meeting at work today. It turns out we have only 2 options 1) increase the amount being taken out of our paychecks and keep the same plan we have now or 2) switch to a high deductible HSA with a $2,000 deductible.
I don't necessarily disagree with having an HSA except for the fact that I know I will get pregnant, darn it, and then I will have to shell out $2,000 that I don't have. WTF! I don't know what to do. The one good thing about the HSA is that if I fund it and decide to do IVF or IUI, I can use that money for the treatment, it just won't go toward my deductible. Decisions, decisions. So we have this meeting and then we find out we have 3 days to decide what we want to do. Are you kidding me? I won't even see my DH until tomorrow night, I can't make this decision without him.
So then, I get the brilliant idea to go and look up my past claims history on-line to see how much it would be out of pocket for a Gyno visit. My last pap was $990!!!! WTH man. Atleast I would have been half way to reaching my deductible. The problem with deciding to do the HSA is that I don't have $2,000 to fund it right now, or I will have to take money out of my paycheck to fund it. I hate the INSURANCE industry, they can never make anything easy. On top of it I have to think about my damn infertility and how to fund that too. UGH!



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Sunday, July 5, 2009

Independence Day...

The 4th was great, I was outside most of the day and then a friend had a bb'q at their house. I was instructed to either bring a side dish or dessert so I made a Red, White, and Blueberry Trifle. 

Here is a picture of the recipe, I made mine with Strawberries instead of raspberries. It was delicious! The rest of the food was good too, we grilled hamburgers and had potato salad, all the traditional bb'q fixings. 
Of course we had to play Wii while we were there. Rock band was the number 1 choice game to play. I actually didn't do too bad on guitar and drums. Last time I tried drums I failed out. That is when you get booed off stage. Wasn't my finest moment. It was a lot of fun and I hope everyone else had a good Independence Day. Happy Birthday America!


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Friday, July 3, 2009

O Face

No it's just O pains. Getting them really strong today. I took another OPK this afternoon and it was way darker than the control line and darker than yesterdays. Dh and I will have to do some pretty crafty coordination since he is working until 3 am tonight. ugh! Plus he is getting really frustrated that we aren't getting pg, can't say I blame him. Looks like I will be up late tonight and tomorrow night, thank God for the 3 day weekend. 

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Thursday, July 2, 2009

at least something is positive


Yea! I got a BFP opk tonight. At least something is positive this week/month. It was definitely negative yesterday. Now I will just have to wait until dh gets home so I can attack him. Looks like I am on my way to the 2ww...more coming soon.


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New game plan

I went to the doctor on Monday and I just want to say I love her, she is a fabulous OB. She has been so helpful and supportive through the whole TTC. She gave me a script for DH's SA so that he doesn't have to go through his doctor. She said as soon as we get that back she wants to put me on a low dose of Clomid. "Clomid is a widely used ovulation induction drug and is frequently a first line infertility treatment. It is administered by obstetrician gynecologists and reproductive endocrinologists, infertility specialists." I showed her my last 3 charts and my O date moves every month. Even this month I thought it would be cd 11 but that was yesterday and no +opk. I didn't think I wanted to go to meds as a way to conceive but now I am open to anything. Shoot, we already do silly things like, propping hips up after bding, eating 5 bananas a day, and dh has switched to boxers, so why not Clomid too. I am happy that we have a new game plan and I have a new sense of hope.

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Wednesday, July 1, 2009

About me and dh


Well this is my first blog entry and I am actually excited about it. I have never blogged before but I love reading blogs.

A little bit about DH and I to get the ball rolling: we met more than 7 years ago while working at Outback Steakhouse. I am 27 years old and he just turned 30, yikes! We have been married since August of 2005 and started trying for a baby 15 months ago. It has been a long and trying road but we know that when the time is right God will grant us a child and our dream will come true. We have 2 dogs, Ocean and Devlin, Ocean is a Golden Retriever, and Devlin is a Chinese Crested. We live in sunny, humid, Florida.

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