Prayer to God

He does promise that He will direct our ways when we trust in Him (Proverbs 3:5-6) and that His grace will be sufficient for the times of trial.

How long does my time of trial have to be? It has been 16 months without an answered prayer from you. My faith is starting to dimenish. I know that I should trust in you all the time but how does one do that when each day the same miracle I have been praying for is happening to someone who doesn't deserve it or doesn't want it. My husband has said his hopes and dreams are gone and now he is just living day to day, is that what you wanted? I don't know how to keep his head up when I am drowning.

Why am I not meant to be a mother yet? I have so much love to give and no one to give it to. I just wish you would tell me why our trials are lasting so long. My heart is breaking for us everyday, how many days to I have to cry myself to sleep until you answer our prayer? Please God, I have put my trust in you for so long, show me the way.

Amen

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Waiting to O!

I am done with the Clomid for this cycle, so now I am just waiting to O. The only thing I can tell that is a "side effect" I have what feels like O pains every night before bed, even though I shouldn't O for another few days. I hope that means that I am getting nice big follies to release a really good egg this time. Here to hoping. Now we are just waiting to O so I can start the 2ww all over again. It will be the longest 2 weeks in my life!

On another note, I went out of town for 2 days for work to Fort Lauderdale and had a really good time. My colleague and I drove down to South Beach, I had never been to Miami before so I really liked that part of the trip. We started out just looking at the rich houses on the water in Fort Lauderdale and the next thing we knew we saw a sign that said Miami Beach. It wasn't our intent to go there but I am glad we did. We also had a good talk about TTC, he and his wife tried for awhile and they are now expecting their first child. YAY! I hadn't told anyone at work that we are trying but I am glad I talked to him about it. In a way I feel a little better that at least I don't have to sneak around everyone at work. Now there is someone I can talk to if something comes up.

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I am on the "pill"

No not that pill, Clomid. It has been 2 days since I started my 5 day regimen and I have had no side effects, yet! I think taking it before bed is helping a lot, so that I sleep through whatever side effects I may have. I really hope this is what we needed in order to have a baby. I have heard from so many people that they took it or knew someone who took it and then became pregnant, that is what is giving me hope right now. Otherwise I think I just might lock myself in my bedroom and cry. I have to have positive thoughts this cycle so I chant..."I will have a baby" "I will have a baby" "I will have a baby". I feel like the little engine that could.

I have decided this cycle I wouldn't "obsess" as much so I haven't been temping. I will do it closer to O'ing just to confirm and not temp during the 2ww. I feel a lot less stressed because of it, so maybe that will help too.

Wish me luck!

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BFP here I come!

I just got off the phone with my OB's nurse, I love her! They are calling in my prescription for Clomid right now. I am going to start on 50mg at first for cd 4-9. I am so freaking excited right now, I can't believe it. I thought I would dread the day that medicine had to intervene, but bring it on. Saturday was such a hard day for me that I didn't think I would get excited again for a long time. YEA! I am so happy we have a new game plan.

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On to cycle 16

I tested this morning and got another BFN! I didn't really expect it to be anything else. I am so over not succeeding at this. TTC is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to face and for dh and I as a couple. I have already called the doctors office to call me Monday morning to discuss starting the Clomid this cycle. I know she wanted to wait until DH has his SA done but that could be another few months. His insurance is not being handled quickly from the HR people and we still have not received his insurance card in the mail. The only testing facility that accepts SA's is an hour away. I am really at loss right now on what to do or where to go from here. I never would have guess that it would take more than 16 months to get pregnant when so many women get pregnant after a one night stand, etc. I will post again when I here from the doctors office.

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Becoming another angry infertile

Ok, so what is up with my charts, I swear every month I am going to get a tri-phasic chart and then I still get BFN's. This time my temperature is still up and I am at 13 dpo. I thought for sure it would drop this morning since yesterday I got a BFN. Why do I test when I know I am not supposed to? I ask this question every month too. I guess I still have a little bit of hope since my temps are still way above the coverline. I am testing again tomorrow morning if my temps are still up, I am sure I will test anyways since I am a POASaholic.

I am starting to get really frustrated and angry now because it seems we are doing everything right but still failing. I have prayed so hard for a baby and given it to God to do. I can't help but feel like he isn't listening to me anymore even though I know that isn't true. How can I one keep their head up when the weight of the world is on their shoulders. Ugh when will this journey be over and I can start a new one. A family of 3 or more!

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I solemnly swear that I am up to no good...

I am back from my work trip finally. I didn't get to temp while I was away because I wouldn't be waking up at the same time as usual. I took it this morning and it doesn't look like it has dropped at all, YEA! I hope tomorrow it stays up.

On another note today is HP day. Harry Potter Day!!! I have already bought my ticket for tonights showing and I will be wearing my shirt "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good" on the front and "Mischief Managed" on the back. I am so excited about the new movie, whose with me? Is anyone else going to see it right away or am I the only dork? I have heard nothing but good reviews about the movie so can't wait. Happy HP Day everyone!

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Nothing new

Nothing new to report. I am 5 dpo right now and I think everything is the same from previous cycles so we probably didn't conceive this month either. I am getting really bummed and losing hope. I hope something changes in the next few days. I will probably be MIA for awhile, I will be doing a lot of traveling for work over the next few days. I will try and post when I can.

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Stick it to the man!

Ugh so we had our annual health insurance meeting at work today. It turns out we have only 2 options 1) increase the amount being taken out of our paychecks and keep the same plan we have now or 2) switch to a high deductible HSA with a $2,000 deductible.

I don't necessarily disagree with having an HSA except for the fact that I know I will get pregnant, darn it, and then I will have to shell out $2,000 that I don't have. WTF! I don't know what to do. The one good thing about the HSA is that if I fund it and decide to do IVF or IUI, I can use that money for the treatment, it just won't go toward my deductible. Decisions, decisions. So we have this meeting and then we find out we have 3 days to decide what we want to do. Are you kidding me? I won't even see my DH until tomorrow night, I can't make this decision without him.

So then, I get the brilliant idea to go and look up my past claims history on-line to see how much it would be out of pocket for a Gyno visit. My last pap was $990!!!! WTH man. Atleast I would have been half way to reaching my deductible. The problem with deciding to do the HSA is that I don't have $2,000 to fund it right now, or I will have to take money out of my paycheck to fund it. I hate the INSURANCE industry, they can never make anything easy. On top of it I have to think about my damn infertility and how to fund that too. UGH!

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Independence Day...

The 4th was great, I was outside most of the day and then a friend had a bb'q at their house. I was instructed to either bring a side dish or dessert so I made a Red, White, and Blueberry Trifle. 

Here is a picture of the recipe, I made mine with Strawberries instead of raspberries. It was delicious! The rest of the food was good too, we grilled hamburgers and had potato salad, all the traditional bb'q fixings. 

Of course we had to play Wii while we were there. Rock band was the number 1 choice game to play. I actually didn't do too bad on guitar and drums. Last time I tried drums I failed out. That is when you get booed off stage. Wasn't my finest moment. It was a lot of fun and I hope everyone else had a good Independence Day. Happy Birthday America!

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O Face

No it's just O pains. Getting them really strong today. I took another OPK this afternoon and it was way darker than the control line and darker than yesterdays. Dh and I will have to do some pretty crafty coordination since he is working until 3 am tonight. ugh! Plus he is getting really frustrated that we aren't getting pg, can't say I blame him. Looks like I will be up late tonight and tomorrow night, thank God for the 3 day weekend. 

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at least something is positive

Yea! I got a BFP opk tonight. At least something is positive this week/month. It was definitely negative yesterday. Now I will just have to wait until dh gets home so I can attack him. Looks like I am on my way to the 2ww...more coming soon.

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New game plan

I went to the doctor on Monday and I just want to say I love her, she is a fabulous OB. She has been so helpful and supportive through the whole TTC. She gave me a script for DH's SA so that he doesn't have to go through his doctor. She said as soon as we get that back she wants to put me on a low dose of Clomid. "Clomid is a widely used ovulation induction drug and is frequently a first line infertility treatment. It is administered by obstetrician gynecologists and reproductive endocrinologists, infertility specialists." I showed her my last 3 charts and my O date moves every month. Even this month I thought it would be cd 11 but that was yesterday and no +opk. I didn't think I wanted to go to meds as a way to conceive but now I am open to anything. Shoot, we already do silly things like, propping hips up after bding, eating 5 bananas a day, and dh has switched to boxers, so why not Clomid too. I am happy that we have a new game plan and I have a new sense of hope.

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About me and dh

Well this is my first blog entry and I am actually excited about it. I have never blogged before but I love reading blogs.

A little bit about DH and I to get the ball rolling: we met more than 7 years ago while working at Outback Steakhouse. I am 27 years old and he just turned 30, yikes! We have been married since August of 2005 and started trying for a baby 15 months ago. It has been a long and trying road but we know that when the time is right God will grant us a child and our dream will come true. We have 2 dogs, Ocean and Devlin, Ocean is a Golden Retriever, and Devlin is a Chinese Crested. We live in sunny, humid, Florida.

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