I tested and it was negative (of course)

I broke down and tested and got a BFN, I am broken . . .

I feel so lost. I didn't expect it to happen with our first IUI but damn the timing was so perfect with it being Valentines Day and my Birthday, how could we fail. Why do I always fail? I don't know how to tell my husband. 


I will leave you with this quote from Murgdan, this is how I feel. . . 

"Why can't this be enough for us?"

Instead of conception being initiated through love, happiness, warmth...it will be instigated through discomfort, prodding, plastic and metal. Pain. Instead of strong arms holding me close, cold stirrups will hold my feet in an awkward position. I will be penetrated only by a steel large gauge needle, a plastic catheter, and an ultrasound wand. Some people may worry about the cost of raising a child in this uncertain world; we worry that our cost will be greater that the mere money we stand to lose if there is a failure. Making love just isn't enough to get us pregnant. 

So as my husband holds me, whispering about love and all the rest, all I can do is wonder . . .

"Why can't this be enough for us?"

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A funny thing happened on the way to the mattress store

Yesterday my husband and I ventured to the mattress store to lay on a few beds. My  mattress is over 10 years old and hubs doesn't even remember when his parents bought his mattress (he was still in high school). Yikes we have some old mattresses. No wonder my back always hurts in the morning. Anyway we were in the car and I was scratching my back, where my bra elastic was digging into me, when hubs says out of nowhere "ooh are your boobs itchy?", what an odd comment.

"Excuse me, where did that come from?" I replied.

"Well it is an early pregnancy sign to have itchy boobs"

"How do you know it's an early pregnancy sign", I asked

"At night while you are sleeping I have been reading on the internet to look for signs"

I almost started bawling right then in the car. Hubs has not once in the 2 years we have been trying to conceive EVER looked up anything about the process. I was so stunned that he has been doing research. I tried for months and months to get him to research IUI because he kept asking me the same questions over and over again. I woke up this morning and his Expectant Father book, that I bought about 18 months ago was on the couch. He was reading that too. Where is my husband and who is this body snatcher living in my house? I think I will keep this one though.

Anyway, we got a new mattress and it will be delivered tonight. I can't wait to get a good nights sleep for once. 

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9 dpIUI

Today I am 5 days from testing and I am going to go crazy before then. Every little thing has me on edge thinking "What is that twinge? That could be a good sign". I can't take it anymore, this has been the longest 9 days of my life. My poor husband is getting the worst of it, I am convinced he is the one having early pregnancy signs. On Wednesday he was sick all day with nausea and bowel issues, hmm morning sickness? Then yesterday he calls me to say that he is extremely tired and that he couldn't keep his eyes open all day even though he had well over 8 hours of sleep. Hey if he is the one who gets all the morning sickness and exhaustion I am A-Ok with that. I just hope he remembers those feelings when my turn comes around. Ha!

So on to more waiting, waiting, waiting . . .

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4dpIUI

It is only 4 days past IUI and I am going crazy! The hubs told me he had baby dreams last night and I am taking that as a good sign. He told me it is the first time he has dreamed of babies. I am driving myself crazy by just waiting I need a distraction. I can do a facial and a pedicure but what I am supposed to do the other 238 hours until I can pee on a stick. The next 10 days are going to be long ones. . .

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1dpIUI (my birthday)

Yesterday was 1dpIUI (1 day past IUI) and it was coincidentally my birthday. I really hope I got the best birthday present this year even though I say that every year for every occasion.

Anyway, I wanted to tell you about my birthday date. When I got home from work he had a hot bath drawn with candles and opera music playing for me to relax in before I had to get ready for dinner. God, I love this man.

Brownie point 1.

He has been telling me for the last week that he really wanted to take me to 'Ocean Prime' for my birthday but that we couldn't afford it. So I chose a new restaurant that was opening called 'Seasons 52' which is cheaper and we hadn't been there before. We're driving to the restaurant and I point it out to him, even though he has the GPS programmed, but alas he misses the turn.

I start telling him that he had to turn in back there and he gives me this coy smile and says "That's how you get to that restaurant but that isn't where we are going" 


"Huh?", I said. "Oh my gosh we are going to Ocean Prime aren't we?" 


"Yes ma'am" he replied. "Don't you worry about it I have it covered."


Brownie point 2

Turns out he was telling his parents how much he wanted to take me there but that we couldn't afford it so they gave him a gift certificate the night before. How sweet!

The food was delicious and the restaurant was gorgeous. I was only able to snag a few shots with my phone.

Exterior shot of the front doors

He had oysters, I don't like oysters so he ate all 12 himself

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Back from IUI

I am back from the clinic and just woke up from a nap. Everything went extremely well. Dh's count was 28 million! He hasn't had any SA's over 14 million so that was awesome. He joked that I got 28 million birthday presents early. Ha! 

We got finished and seriously needed to get something to eat, the only place that didn't have a 30 minute wait was Steak N Shake. LOL so romantic. We couldn't stop laughing because the servers probably were thinking "this guy can't find a better place to take his wife on Valentine's Day" . 

Fingers crossed, this is going to be the longest 2 weeks of our lives. . .

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IUI on V-Day

I got a positive this afternoon! We will be doing the IUI tomorrow on Valentines Day. I am so excited, the best part is my birthday is the next day. Double whammy!

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In honor of Valentine's Day

I thought it would be nice to share our story and to post some pictures of Jim and I's years together. I really can't wrap my head around the fact that we have been together 8 years this year, married 5 of those. I am getting old. Ugh I posted a picture of us on our Face.book page and his brother said that it was "old school", I think mostly since Jim was in he early twenties when the picture was taken. LOL

We met at Outback Steakhouse in 2002, I was the head waiter and he came over from Tampa as a transfer. Now let me give you a little back story. I have know his family, except him, since 1999 when I started working for Outback, his Dad was my boss' boss so I saw them all the time. I had NO idea they had an older son, Jim was away at college this whole time until he moved back home and transferred to the restaurant. We started out as friends, as cliche as that sounds, until one night we went to a party together. We could not stop looking into each others eyes all night. That was definitely the turning point in our relationship, we stayed up talking till sunrise and had our first kiss as the sun was coming up. We fell in love right after that and have been with each other side by side ever since. We dated for about a year and a half before Jim popped the question. . .

It was Christmas Eve and we were sitting by the fire place opening our presents and drinking wine when he asked me to marry him. It was so romantic and I will never forget how happy I was to say "yes of course I will marry you". We waited until I graduated from college before tying the knot in 2005. We had the best wedding anyone could ask for, it was the biggest party I think any of our family members have been too. People are still talking about how fun our wedding reception was.

Now we are on our fifth year of marriage and I can't believe it has been that long already. My husband is my best friend and soul mate, I am the luckiest girl in the world.

Because of you I dream bigger, reach higher, land softer, feel braver, try harder, live truer and most importantly love deeper. I love you honey Happy Valentine's Day.

Our first trip to Costa Rica

Lobstering in Key West

One of our engagement photos

State Fair "my what a big corn dog you have"

Our honeymoon in San Francisco

I don't have any pictures of our wedding digitally but as soon as I do there will surely be a post about it. . .

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Come out, come out wherever you are. . .

Calling all lurkers! Before I moved my blog (because of a nosy mother who googles me) I had many followers, on this new blog I only have a few. I know there are more of you reading this blog because you leave comments. I love hearing from all of you and would like to meet the lurkers too. I dare you, double dog dare you to leave a comment and introduce yourselves.

Welcome to our journey!

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Good spillage

We had spillage this morning from both tubes, yay! We are all clear ( ahem, no pun intended) to move forward with our IUI possible a week from now. As my hubby said in the parking lot "we are so close now".

On another note, I have a feeling that having an HSG is like giving birth, not in the sense that a small human will be the end result but that you forget the pain as soon as it is over. All you women who told me it was "easy peesy" are BIG FAT LIARS!!! That S.O.B. hurt like hell. Thank God it only lasted about 30 seconds which felt like an eternity. They didn't let DH go in the x-ray room with me because they didn't have enough lead coats so I had to squeeze one of the nurses hands instead. I hope she won't be writing for the rest of the day. Sorry about that, nurse. As soon as the dye was injected the cramping was instantaneous and it felt like a 500 pound brick was sitting on my uterus, I couldn't think straight or focus on anything else, she even had to remind me how to breath, weird. I wanted so badly to look at the screen to see everything but I just couldn't concentrate hard enough to look at it. I did not expect it to be like that, but now that it is over and I have forgotten I will probably tell the next infertile waiting to get one done that it was a piece of cake.

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HSG tomorrow morning

Less than 18 hours I will know if we are good to go for IUI #1 . . .

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My uterus wants a baby

I want it, my husband wants it and now I know my uterus wants it too. I just got home a little while ago from visiting my friends and there, too adorable for his own good, son. I swear I was not home 2 minutes and aunt flow decided to come into town. Normally at this time I would be crying and enjoying several glasses of wine, not anymore. I know my uterus decided it is time to get this ball rolling, I needed her to show so that we can have the HSG done and then our first IUI!!!

Don't worry I am not thinking it is going to happen on the first try. I mean we thought that 2 years ago when we started trying naturally. See how well that turned out. Since today is starting a new chapter on this journey I thought I would give you the stats on the last two years of trying naturally, hopefully the next set will be a lot fewer numbers.

1,440 prenatal vitamins


99 negative pregnancy tests peed on


90 fertility vitamins for men


55 ovulation predictor kits peed on


22 months of actively trying to conceive


18 months of charting my temperature


0 condoms

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