Friday, February 26, 2010

I tested and it was negative (of course)

I broke down and tested and got a BFN, I am broken . . .

I feel so lost. I didn't expect it to happen with our first IUI but damn the timing was so perfect with it being Valentines Day and my Birthday, how could we fail. Why do I always fail? I don't know how to tell my husband. 



I will leave you with this quote from Murgdan, this is how I feel. . . 

"Why can't this be enough for us?"

Instead of conception being initiated through love, happiness, warmth...it will be instigated through discomfort, prodding, plastic and metal. Pain. Instead of strong arms holding me close, cold stirrups will hold my feet in an awkward position. I will be penetrated only by a steel large gauge needle, a plastic catheter, and an ultrasound wand. Some people may worry about the cost of raising a child in this uncertain world; we worry that our cost will be greater that the mere money we stand to lose if there is a failure. Making love just isn't enough to get us pregnant. 

So as my husband holds me, whispering about love and all the rest, all I can do is wonder . . .

"Why can't this be enough for us?"

2 lovely notes from friends:

Jessica February 26, 2010 at 9:16 PM  

Oh hun...I am so sorry!! I hate that any of us have to go through this heartbreaking journey.

Jenni February 26, 2010 at 9:39 PM  

Any chance you just tested too early? Fingers are still crossed for you!

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