Happy Halloween!

Happy Halloween everyone! I hope everyone has a spook-tacular halloween today. It is my Mom's birthday today so I am on my way over to her house, she is having a witching hour party. 


Last night we went to a friends Alice in Wonderland themed party. Everyone had to come as a character from the movie. We went as Card Soldiers, sorry for the crappy picture. We had a great time and played croquet for the first time and WON!

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One day you will

It always bothered me or made me jealous when I would read an infertility blog and then they got pregnant. Some times I continued to follow their journey into parenthood other times I moved on. I hope I don't make any of you leave but if you do stop reading my posts I completely understand. I have been there, I have been in your shoes. This post is for you so I hope that you read it.

Dear those of you still on the journey to your baby,

We all have that song or that quote that get us through the really rough times of infertility. I did. It is "One Day You Will" by Lady Antebellum, I suggest you listen to it as soon as you are done reading this. Here are some of the lyrics:

You feel like you're falling backwards
Like you're slippin' through the cracks
Like no one would even notice
If you left this town and never came back
You walk outside and all you see is rain
You look inside and all you feel is pain
And you can't see it now

Chorus
But down the road the sun is shining
In every cloud there's a silver lining
Just keep holding on (just keep holding on)
And every heartache makes you stronger
But it won't be much longer
You'll find love, you'll find peace
And the you you're meant to be
I know right now that's not the way you feel
But one day you will

You wake up every morning and ask yourself
What am I doing here anyway
With the weight of all those disappointments
Whispering in your ear
You're just barely hanging by a thread
You wanna scream but you're down to your last breath
And you don't know it yet

Infertility is such a lonely and isolating place that nobody understands unless they have been there. I always felt like I was falling backwards and just moving through life one day at a time but not enjoying it anymore. Every time I listened to this song it inspired me to remember that failure is not fatal, I will get through this and one day I will find peace. I will never forget the struggle of infertility and the pain it caused everyday of my life for almost 3 years. One day I know all of you will find peace and will be the mothers you are meant to be. Keep believing that and inspiring each other to continue. As Winston Churchill said, "...it is the courage to continue that counts."

Love,

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My heart is busting at the seams

We saw and heard one heartbeat, one baby! We are having a baby, for real. I am beyond ecstatic. The Captain asked me "do you know what the best sound in the world is?" Me - "hearing your babies heartbeat for the first time". When she turned the audio on and we heard that sound I looked at The Captain and I told him that is the heartbeat, he got the biggest grin on his face. It was priceless. We have waited a long time to hear that sound and it is still surreal that it is happening. The heart rate was 127 BPM and the baby is measuring right on schedule at 6 weeks 5 days!

I go back to see the Dr. in a week and then I am released to a regular OB with a normal pregnancy. We may not have gotten to this point by the normal way but that is okay. I leave you with our babies second picture of his/her life. The first picture is in the blastocyst stage.

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6 1/2 weeks

Today I am 6 1/2 weeks pregnant. That will never get old to say. :) Not much new to report, still no morning sickness. I hope it stays away, I hate being nauseous with a passion. Every time I get a migraine headache nausea is imminent and I hate it. I am only tired at night and instantly hungry every few hours. So far I am feeling pretty good but that also scares me. I am so nervous that tomorrow there isn't going to be a baby on the screen and all of this is just a pipe dream. For the next 22 hours I will be trying to stay as busy as possible to make the time go by fast.

On another note, I got our Halloween costumes made yesterday! My friend is having a Alice in Wonderland costume party so we are going as Card Soldiers. I will be the 3 of Clubs (since at the moment I am thinking in 3's) and The Captain is the Ace of Clubs. I will post pictures when we are all dressed up Saturday. 

Dear God, please let there be a little beating heart, or two, on the screen tomorrow. . .

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Possibly worse than "Just relax"

Nothing infuriates me more than a fertile person telling an infertile person to "just relax" and you will get pregnant. Because relaxing cures male factor infertility, didn't you know? Well being pregnant has brought on a new "just relax". I knew it was probably bound to happen but not this soon. I mean I will be 6 weeks tomorrow, I have only known I am pregnant for 2 weeks. Here is the story:

Sunday afternoon after the Bucs game I started to get a really nagging headache. It started out small and then the throbbing just got out of control and it was making me nauseous. Most headaches do because of the pain. The Captain said he would go to the store and get Tylenol if I thought I needed to take it. I was hesitant to take anything this early but pretty soon I knew I wouldn't be able to eat dinner if I didn't dull the pain. So off to the store he went. He brought back Aspirin. He said he thought I said Aspirin. First of all Tylenol and Aspirin don't even sound remotely alike and second of all who asks for Aspirin anymore? Anyway my Dad was there for dinner and was basically hounding me to just take the Aspirin. I knew that this was not a safe drug to take pregnant and kept telling him that it isn't on my safe drug list from my doctor! I said fine I will go on safefetus.com and look it up. Sure enough it is a Class D drug, not safe for pregnant women. While I am in the office I hear him talking to The Captain saying "I don't know what she is so worried about what do you think my parents did or their parents did, all they had to take was Aspirin and we are all fine". Ugh that makes me so mad. Did your parents or grandparents go through 30 months of infertility and pay tens of thousands of dollars to get pregnant?  I am not going to do anything to risk this pregnancy, it may have been fine for your parents but it isn't for me, why can't people just respect that. 

I just needed to vent about that. I thought it was a very rude thing to say after everything we have been through to get even this far.

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Beta #3 results

Beta #3 - 3,329

 I am beginning to breath a little easier with each milestone. They scheduled my ultrasound for Monday October 25. I can't wait to find out if there is more than one baby in there. I wish they would tell me by my beta number if they think it's twins but I can't wear them down. 

According to this websites trusty Beta Boubling Time Calculator my doubling time is 1.62 days. Beta hCG levels usually double approximately every 2 days for the first four weeks of pregnancy. As  pregnancy progresses the doubling time increases. By 6 to 7 weeks gestation beta hCG levels may take as long as 3 1/2 days to double. The beta hCG may take more than 2 to 3 days to double in 15% of normal intrauterine pregnancies.

My cousin is arriving today from Pensacola and she is bringing me her copy of What to expect when your expecting, I can't wait to start reading it. I can't believe that I have resisted the last 30 months have not bought one single pregnancy thing. 

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National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

 Thank you Katie for posting this, this morning. I had no idea today was a special day.

October 15 is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. 

Visit www.iamtheface.org to learn more about resources for women and families. And please take a moment to remember the 2,000 babies whose hearts will stop beating today as a result of miscarriage, stillbirth, and neonatal death.

To the moms in this community who have lost their babies: You, especially, are in my heart on this day.

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5 wks 1 day

Today I am 5 weeks and 1 day pregnant. I don't think I will ever get over saying that. I am a nervous wreck, waiting for my final Beta tomorrow morning. I still have not gotten a grip over the fear that this is all going to be taken away any moment. They will call me tomorrow and tell me that my numbers have dropped. When will I start to enjoy this pregnancy and not be constantly worrying? Am I eating enough protein? Enough calcium? When is the ultrasound going to hurry up and get here? I have about a million questions running through my mind daily plus trying to work. 

Pregnancy brain is not helping things either. This is not one of those pregnancy myths it is real or real for me. Last night I was filling up our fancy salt shaker and when I was done I didn't put the little plastic cap on and turned it over to put it back in the cupboard. Yep, salt went everywhere! There was a huge mound on the floor and the counter. I tried my best to clean it up while laughing hysterically. Every time The Captain went into the kitchen he said it felt like he was on the beach. I guess I didn't get all of it. ;)

So far the only symptoms I have are exhaustion in the evenings and sore boobs right when I wake up. I pray I don't get morning sickness but I am sure it is coming eventually. I will revel in every pregnancy symptom I get because it means I am having a baby.

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Beta #2 results - still pregnant :)

Beta #2 - 605.56

According to the nurse this morning my second number should be around 500 for normal. Whoo hoo we are more than doubling. I have to go back for the last Beta on Friday and then they will schedule my first Ultrasound some where between Oct 23-26 so that we can finally see the heartbeat(s). Maybe then it will be real. i can't believe how much I am still in awe that it worked and we are going to have a baby(ies). The nurse also confirmed this morning that I am indeed 4 weeks and 5 days pregnant and that our EDD (estimated due date) is June 14, 2011.

Laura, you know that makes our babies Gemini - the twins, don't you? Is that a sign or what?

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Who is this woman?

I feel like someone else has taken over my body and is the one saying "I'm pregnant". This is not me, I was not ever going to be able to say those words. That is what I felt and thought for a very long time. I don't know where I belong at the moment. I am pregnant but still an infertile, can I rejoice yet or is it too early? It still seems so surreal. I have some people in my life telling me I should have waited until after the first trimester before I told anyone. But I have waited 30 months to tell my family and those that have been there routing us on that I am pregnant. I wanted to share that with them, they have been on this road right along side us through all the ups and downs. Every time I called a family member to tell them they would start screaming into the phone and rejoicing, then we would cry together. I have waited, they have waited, for that moment for a very long time. It was just as I imagined it. My Grandmother is still hoping for another set of twin grandchildren, I hope and pray I can give them to her. 


Every time The Captain rubs my belly, smiles and says it is his lucky charm(s) I think I am going to burst. My heart is busting at the seams with joy. He used to tell me every time we had a BFN that "the day we get pregnant all this pain will just disappear and there will be so much joy you won't remember any of this". He was right to a degree, there is a ton of joy but I won't forget what we went through to get here. That is what will make me a better mother. 


I am a mother, holy moly.

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Beta results are in!

First Beta = 191!

Second Beta on Monday

Third Beta next Friday

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4 Weeks

Yup, still pregnant!

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IVF-Day 37-8dp5dt

* The following message is TOP SECRET and will self destruct in 5 seconds *

 This morning at 6:30 am the suspense really got to me and I did it, I tested. I just knew it was going to be a BFN but then I couldn't believe it, the second line was starting to appear. Surely this was a mistake and someone else pee'd on this stick. Maybe it's an evaporation line? Nope, it is getting darker and fatter. I kept saying OMG, OMG and shaking. I capped the pee end and screamed "Holy crap we're pregnant". The Captain was dead asleep and woke up probably wondering who the hell is this crazy person screaming at me this early in the morning. Finally he woke up a little and grasped what was going on, he grabbed the stick because I guess he didn't believe me that there was a second line, and then says "wait, which end did you pee on?" We just laughed and hugged and kissed. I am in total shock! After 30 months you stop believing in miracles a little but we finally got ours. Beta on Friday!

We aren't supposed to tell anyone until the Beta, that is what we agreed on, so this is top secret. I couldn't not tell you. Thank you for all your encouraging words and support these last few weeks. I couldn't not have stayed sane without them. You are my seat belt on this long, long, journey.

sorry for the crappy picture I took it with my phone

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IVF-Day 36 - 7dp5dt

Nothing new to report today. I though I had AF type cramps this morning but they were very mild it was hard to tell. Something strange did happen yesterday though. We went out on the boat to watch the speed boat races at Clearwater Beach and The Captain hit a big wave fro a huge yachts wake and completely drenched me and my MIL. Once the salt water made it through my swimsuit top my nipples started burning so bad I wanted to take off my top. That has never happened to me before. Could that be a good sign? I told him about it when we got home and he said that was the Pollard pregnancy test. Where does he come up with this stuff? He was so sweet all day trying so hard not to make the ride bumpy at all, his Dad actually told me the only time he would yell at him was if he went too fast and made it bumpy.

2 more days until I think I will have enough courage to pee on a stick. Today I am 3 weeks and 5 days pregnant so I am waiting until 4 weeks to test.

I want to say a HUGE congratulations to Laura, from A Christian's Life and IVF, she is PREGNANT! Check out her blog and give her a big congratulations. She is 2 days ahead of me in this IVF cycle and has given me a lot of hope and support.

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IVF-Day 34 - 5dp5dt

My resolve for not testing is wearing thin. As long as Laura from A Christian's Life and IVF doesn't test then I am safe. I went searching the house this morning for the few HPT's I know I have left but I think The Captain has hid them from me. I seriously could not find them anywhere. I really had the urge to wake him up and yell "Where are my pee sticks? I need to pee on something, NOW!". But I didn't. I have some restraint. The only thing keeping me from not testing besides not being able to find the dang tests is FEAR. Fear of the big white blank space that I have seen for the last 30 months. I have this paranoia that it will never change and there will never be a second line, it is just not going to be there. I need to get over that. I don't want to go into the Beta blind though. 

So to test or not to test? and when?

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IVF-Day 33 - progesterone level

To sustain a pregnancy Doctors like to see your progesterone above 15. For IVF patients the number should be above 20. Mine just came in at 39 this morning.
They say you can't tell if your pregnant by your progesterone level but double what it should be, hmm?

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