Monday, December 7, 2009

A year in the life of an infertile woman

A Year in the Life of an Infertile Woman:

New Years -- This is where we make all those
resolutions, or in the case of an infertile, their hopes and dreams and
goals for the year ahead. We tell ourselves that this is going to be
our year! We are not going to face another new Year's without a child.
We are going to do whatever it takes to reach our dreams this year. And
we kiss, still crushed from the year prior, but with a renewed hope for
the year to come. This is going to be our year -- it has to be.

Valentines Day -- Finally, a holiday that doesn't
remind us of children! It's all about love. Only, we are pumped up on
drugs, or so exhausted from treatments, that it's hard to enjoy. Not to
mention, in the back of our minds, we know all those other couples,
sitting around us, eating their dinner, have children they get to go
home to. Valentine's cards to help them write out. Little hearts and
chocolates to scatter around the house in anticipation of little
excited faces.

March Break -- On the heels of Valentines Day comes
March break. Children abound, as families pack up to enjoy a fun week
together somewhere. But not you. No, you plough forward, head down,
trying not to notice.

Easter -- Next comes Easter. The stores are filled
with reminders of children. Everywhere you look is a reminder of what
you are missing. Easter bunnies, Easter baskets, Easter egg hunts.
Pretty spring children's dresses. Excited little faces and happy
families are everywhere. You long to be part of an easter egg hunt of
your own, but instead, you close your eyes and hope you just make it

Mothers Day -- As if Easter wasn't bad enough,
Mother's Day is close behind. A slap in the face to infertiles
everywhere. You are not a mother and you wonder if you ever will be.
You do not get breakfast in bed, a hand drawn card, a hug from that
sweet little child telling you they love you. It's a painful reminder
of what you will never have, and what everyone around you gets so
easily. It's almost too much to bear, as you watch others enjoy what
you long for so badly.

Fathers Day -- Of course Father's Day is right behind.
Happy children and their dads, out to brunch, playing golf, fishing,
enjoying the day together. You think of your husband and what he is
missing. You can't help picturing him as a father, knowing how good he
would be. You imagine your own children taking his hand and hopping up
on his lap, smiling up at him. Their dad. Their hero. And you can't
help from thinking how robbed he is, when you see the pain on his face.

Summer Holidays -- One of the best times of year for
family fun. Kids are out of school. Everywhere you look are happy
families picnicking, going to the park, the beach. And you long to be
one of them. The carefree days of summer are everywhere. Long weekends
and camping trips. Innocent times and bonding and memories being
created that will last a life time. Yet, you still cannot join in the

Weddings -- Of course, what would the summer be
without weddings. You watch, as other couples get married, knowing that
soon, their dreams will come true, and they will be blessed with
families before you. You think back to your wedding, how excited and
hopeful you were for the future together. All the family plans you had,
the big house, the fun family trips. And it's painful to watch it come
true for everyone else but you.

Baby showers -- Invites to baby showers come fast and
furious. You can't even bear to open the envelope. You shop for other
peoples' children, holding back the lump in your throat, trying not to
breathe, and maybe you will get through it.

Birthdays -- Next comes your birthday. But you have
nothing to celebrate. It's just a painful reminder that you are another
year older, another year has passed without a child. Your chances are
decreasing every single day. And you can't bear to blow out your
candle, yet again, and make the only wish you have been wishing.
Because it still hasn't come true.

Anniversaries -- Your wedding anniversary is upon you,
and it's time to celebrate your love. The one thing that keeps you
going through all the pain. But unfortunately, it's also an anniversary
where you both will mourn another year passing without a child. The
family you haven't created.

Back to School -- Back to school has become a season
these days. You look around at all the stores, all the little
knapsacks, and school supplies. Your nieces and nephews are getting
older. Friends children are growing up before your eyes. Life is moving
forward without you. You can't help but feel like it's completely
passing you by.

Halloween -- As the autumn leaves fall, families are
huddled up carving pumpkins together, making candy apples, playing in
the falling leaves. And Halloween rolls around quickly. Parents dress
up little angels, princesses, and monsters in the cutest outfits you
have ever seen. You dread the day as it grows darker, knowing that
soon, happy little children will be knocking on your door, saying trick
or treat. And you will barely be able to keep yourself from crying. You
think about everything you are missing. You long to be taking your own
children out from house to house. And you end the night, a puddle on
the floor, sobbing your eyes out, wishing you could hide away forever.

Thanksgiving -- The season of family is officially
upon you. Happy families get together to share turkey and rejoice in
all that they have to be thankful for. Just the thought of another
holiday where you still don't have your own family to share it with,
tortures you beyond belief. You have a hard time thinking of anything
to be thankful for, let alone, sharing the holiday with family and
friends who have everything you want. Everyone has a family except for
you, and the pain cuts so deep you don't think you will survive it.

Christmas -- The holiday season is upon you in no
time. The pinnacle of holidays is finally here. Christmas is the
motherload, the holiday of all holidays. The one you have been dreading
all year. For it is the season of children and dreams and families and
miracles. For everyone but you. Little stocking hanging from the
fireplace, ornaments on the tree, hopes of Santa, snowmen on front
lawns, Christmas parades, hot chocolate, cold little toes and noses and
happy laughter fills the air. The stores bellow out Christmas music.
Commercials celebrate families and children. Movies are filled with the
magic of family. Christmas lights and Santa sleighs, and nativity
scenes are everywhere. Christmas cards arrive in the mail, all those
happy smiling family pictures and updates from friends and families.
The magic of the season is everywhere, all around you, suffocating you,
choking you to death. The pain has never been so great, so real, and so
deep. You envy everyone you see. You can barely venture out your front
door. It is the happiest season of all, a season you once loved, a
season you wonder if you will ever love again. A season that now pulls
you under with such grief that you are sure you will die. But you don't
die. You survive. As you brace yourself for the upcoming New Year and
the whole new calendar that comes with it.

source - unknown

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