worst Christmas ever . . .

and it hasn't even started yet. Where to start?

I haven't written about this till now but now I think it is time to get it out since I am sitting here crying my eyes out.

About 7 months ago I found out through my sister that my Mom was leaving my Dad. After 30 years of marriage she had had enough. The financial strain they were under was too much and she had been depressed for a year and it wasn't getting any better. I got a call from my sister asking "What's up? I just got a call from Dad wanting to know if Mom could rent my townhouse." I stood there frozen not able to comprehend what she just said to me. The longest, most stable relationship I had ever known isn't so stable anymore. The air had just been knocked out of me. But they raised two kids together and put them through college, one was married, the other moved away, it was supposed to be smooth sailing from here. Isn't that how it worked?

I immediately got in the car and drove to my parent's house (or my Dad's house as it is now referred to). My mom was there alone . . .

"Hey honey, is something wrong?"


"Well, I just got off the phone with Amanda of course something is wrong."


"oh, right" her only response. . .

She then told me how she has been depressed because of finances and she isn't happy. I have a hard time dealing with this because in my book you don't leave someone over money. Jimmy didn't leave me when I had no job but wanted to find the perfect design job and he had to support me or when he wanted to cut his hours and pay so that he could fish and try to making a living off of his dream. When I left the house I couldn't shake the feeling that this didn't look good, it didn't look good at all.

Fast forward 6 months . . .it is September and my parents are sitting us down to tell us that things are not getting better, my Mom wants a divorce. It was over just like that. Everything I knew about there relationship was a lie. My mom told me that it was only good when my sister and I were around, when it was just the two of them she was miserable. I couldn't believe what I was hearing, my cheeks turned hot,  I couldn't breathe, my stomach felt sick. I had nothing to sat to change her mind.

I have always wore this badge of honor that I am a twenty something whose families foundation hadn't been shattered by divorce. All of that was changing in the blink of an eye. There was nothing we could do to stop it. Now, I was aware that love didn't last forever - it couldn't possibly. What did that mean for my marriage? Where would our lives lead? These are questions I have had to deal with for the last few months, on top of it all we were (are) trying so desperately to have a family of our own. That fairy-tale isn't coming true either.

Worst Christmas ever . . .we are struggling like hell to conceive a child and went a whole year, again, without success. Our dream of having a baby will never come true, so it feels like. I have a scheduling nightmare ahead of me for next week trying to make it so that my parents don't spend Christmas together. So, my husband and I have to drive around all over town to see my Mom, my Dad and his parents in one day. Whew! To top it off my Dad is having a Christmas party where all of our friends and family are invited, except my Mom. I understand why, because when you get our group together and alcohol someone will say something and shit will hit the fan, but it isn't supposed to be like this. I am not supposed to be planning 3 holiday get togethers or feeling bad because my Mom won't be in her home at a Christmas party for all of our friends and family. I love Christmas but this just doesn't feel very much like Christmas.

My heart breaks because I can't give my husband what he so desperately desires, because my parents hearts are breaking, I miss my sister, and Santa isn't real. I am going to go take a bubble bath with a glass of wine right now and unwind and try to remember what Christmas is all about . . .presents.